Debbie's Blog Babble

If I focus a lot on my past, that makes ME messed up?? Because I know I'm not perfect and I'm trying to find the root of why so I can move on in a healthy way instead of stuffing it down and saying "it's in the past" so basically "UGH just shut up and let it go" makes ME wrong? So everything that I have ever known as healthy is unhealthy? Healthy means to just be mean or sad or angry and are fine being like that? I might focus too much on my childhood and pain I have but I know it still screws me up so I'm trying to acknowledge it so I can say "oh crap, that's why I screwed up. I don't want to do that again. I don't want to be that" so I'm wrong... Ok...... this doesn't make sense to me. I take responsibility by saying sorry and thank you and I screwed up but that's wrong?? I guess it's better to just be like well, I'm right. Everyone else is wrong. Screw the past. Talking about it makes me ridiculous o...

To whoever is listening: I have this tendency to take blame for everything. It's something I have to accept as a flaw and try to change my thought process. Even after I stand up for myself, I immediately regret it. My therapist uses the term "emotionally immature" very often. I told her that all of these people hate me so it must be me that is the problem. She asked if I can look at it as there is something wrong with them? Yesterday something happened that really hurt me. I try to say the right thing and I mean it. I want it to show that I care because I do. I don't know if I already did something I didn't realize was so bad or if I am allowing myself to take all the blame of things that might not have been my fault. She said a person that is emotionally mature can handle an adult conversation. I agree. She said I was trying to and any response other than maturely is wrong. She often tries to remind me that some people take my kindness for weakness and it's...

(To be fair, there was one letter I wrote to someone a while ago now that was kind of mean. I regret it. I was very hurt by things I heard and wanted to defend myself. I can't take it back but I've learned from it. Some of it I wish I didn't say and some I'm so proud of me for doing it but either way, it wasn't, what I consider, kind and if you're actually reading this one day, I'm sorry.)