emotional immaturity.. yet again
To whoever is listening:
I have this tendency to take blame for everything. It's something I have to accept as a flaw and try to change my thought process. Even after I stand up for myself, I immediately regret it. My therapist uses the term "emotionally immature" very often. I told her that all of these people hate me so it must be me that is the problem. She asked if I can look at it as there is something wrong with them? Yesterday something happened that really hurt me. I try to say the right thing and I mean it. I want it to show that I care because I do. I don't know if I already did something I didn't realize was so bad or if I am allowing myself to take all the blame of things that might not have been my fault. She said a person that is emotionally mature can handle an adult conversation. I agree. She said I was trying to and any response other than maturely is wrong. She often tries to remind me that some people take my kindness for weakness and it's not the first time someone has told me that. I allow myself to be a carpet to walk on or something to blame things on because I just told them to feel free to. I wasn't hoping for a miracle but I was trying to be mature and discuss something. Something kind. Nothing was mean. I tend to look things over as what I did wrong. In this case, I really didn't. She asked me why they aren't wrong for being immature? Maybe I was used as an additional reason to be mad at someone else? I don't know why. My heart is in the right place. It always is. I am not a mean person but I am a weak person. She said it takes strength to say things I've said and not everyone can handle it. They don't know what else to do but to be mean and immature. They use me because I take blame. I have always been someone to see everything as ending in sunshine and happiness. Everyone will hug each other, talk it out, and when they have said "love you" to me they mean it. It just isn't life. I don't understand what love means anymore? I have become something I hate. I don't believe people that say they love me, actually love me. Want to know why? People can throw that word around and walk away. She said if you love someone, you talk things out. You work things out. You discuss issues and become stronger. If someone uses that word but walks away without even trying means that they don't know what love means. They are the ones that can't even handle emotions or conversations so how can they even know what something so strong as "love" means. She knows when I say "love," I mean it. I do. There are seasons in relationships sometimes that are only for seasons. That's ok. Hopefully you learned from each other and handled things like adults and moved on in life. She often reminds me that the word "hate" is strong. I use it so easily when I talk about how someone feels about me but I can't use that on anyone else no matter how they've hurt me. Why? I know why.. I don't know why.. I do have to know that someone is just wrong or immature or have issues of their own they are too afraid to address within themselves. She said I'm attempting to improve myself while some people only sit back and point fingers. Maybe it is them that need to work on things. I said, maybe. She tells me that she doesn't know these people but she sees the best way to handle conflict and she sees how I am trying to and if someone responds in anyway but to have an adult conversation back and forth, they are the immature ones and it isn't my fault. I do blame myself very very often for things. Very often. It drives her crazy haha. She is often proud of me for sharing positive things. She is heart broken about how harmful people can be. I know I need to be proud of myself sometimes. I think I had moments of that yesterday. I had moments of thinking that I tried, that I wasn't mean, that I don't know what I did wrong and I tried to approach it in a healthy way and address some things that have been unsaid for too long. There is nothing wrong with emotions. There is nothing wrong with trying to discuss issues. There is nothing wrong about standing up for myself. There is nothing wrong with saying I love someone and actually know what that means. Then I had moments of thinking I deserve that pain they caused on purpose, the blame they passed on, and they had a right to take advantage of my emotions. The thing I will always wonder is if trying to work things out, trying to be an adult, showing what "I love you" really is... is wrong. Am I wrong? Has that always been wrong and I'm just naive?
No. It's not.
No. I didn't deserve it.
No. They hurt me and maybe they are wrong.
No. I do know what love is.
No. I'm not always wrong.
No. Everyone doesn't have a right to just walk away without handling things maturely and they think it's ok somehow
No. It's not ok to say they love me when they don't even know what that means
No. It isn't always me.
It isn't always me.
It isn't always me.
Just because I tried to be kind and honest, doesn't mean someone has a right to hurt me. They don't.
"I might not be a smart man but I do know what love is"
I guess I'll struggle with "another one bites the dust", to it's all my fault, to maybe they are wrong. Some people can be so quick to say how someone else needs help without seeing the help they need. Pointing fingers at others can just be their weakness. The more I see people, the more I see that's pretty true. I'm not perfect. I don't handle every moment correctly. I am always willing to have adult conversations. That I can promise. I am very emotional. I do open up too much or too quickly to people. It can scare people away but all of those things I consider as flaws, she sees as strength.
When I read what my foster mom and her daughter said about me, I honestly thought that maybe they knew me so well then and maybe for all of my life. They saw all of, what I consider, my weaknesses as me being a "gentle soul." Maybe sometimes I have to see myself through their eyes. I never wanted to look myself in the mirror until I was with them. Sometimes I wish they could have been the ones that always made me look in the mirror and see a pretty, sweet, gentle soul. They knew what it meant to love me. That was all I ever really wanted. I wish they could have kept me forever. Life didn't hand me those cards. Even as I'm writing this, my cat is snuggling up on me and licking my hand. Maybe someone can love me for the way I show love.
I deserve a lot more then I think and maybe it reminded me that, I didn't do everything wrong and maybe I am just trying to have a conversation and it's ok. Maybe they have issues they need to look at instead of pointing fingers. If hurting me because I was trying to be kind makes you feel good, that's pretty messed up. Emotionally immature. 2 words so small that seem so right.
I guess everyone needs to be emotionally mature. I know I need improvement but that doesn't mean to blame everything on me. Maybe because I can acknowledge it, is a good thing.
Weakness and strength. Talking and listening. Blaming and loving.
It's not about closure, it's about learning. It's about growing. It's about pushing through. It isn't about shutting the door. It's about loving me enough to know I can. I will continue to try. I will continue to take the good things from my past and the bad. To sort it out and grow. It made me who I am. My past, present, and future. It makes up who I am. I'm learning. I hope I never stop. Become a better wife, a better friend, and most of all, a better person.. that knows it's not a bad thing to say "thank you" to someone, it's not a thing to be pushed aside, it's ok to say someone else was wrong, it's ok to hurt, it's ok to say enough is enough.
I have this tendency to take blame for everything. It's something I have to accept as a flaw and try to change my thought process. Even after I stand up for myself, I immediately regret it. My therapist uses the term "emotionally immature" very often. I told her that all of these people hate me so it must be me that is the problem. She asked if I can look at it as there is something wrong with them? Yesterday something happened that really hurt me. I try to say the right thing and I mean it. I want it to show that I care because I do. I don't know if I already did something I didn't realize was so bad or if I am allowing myself to take all the blame of things that might not have been my fault. She said a person that is emotionally mature can handle an adult conversation. I agree. She said I was trying to and any response other than maturely is wrong. She often tries to remind me that some people take my kindness for weakness and it's not the first time someone has told me that. I allow myself to be a carpet to walk on or something to blame things on because I just told them to feel free to. I wasn't hoping for a miracle but I was trying to be mature and discuss something. Something kind. Nothing was mean. I tend to look things over as what I did wrong. In this case, I really didn't. She asked me why they aren't wrong for being immature? Maybe I was used as an additional reason to be mad at someone else? I don't know why. My heart is in the right place. It always is. I am not a mean person but I am a weak person. She said it takes strength to say things I've said and not everyone can handle it. They don't know what else to do but to be mean and immature. They use me because I take blame. I have always been someone to see everything as ending in sunshine and happiness. Everyone will hug each other, talk it out, and when they have said "love you" to me they mean it. It just isn't life. I don't understand what love means anymore? I have become something I hate. I don't believe people that say they love me, actually love me. Want to know why? People can throw that word around and walk away. She said if you love someone, you talk things out. You work things out. You discuss issues and become stronger. If someone uses that word but walks away without even trying means that they don't know what love means. They are the ones that can't even handle emotions or conversations so how can they even know what something so strong as "love" means. She knows when I say "love," I mean it. I do. There are seasons in relationships sometimes that are only for seasons. That's ok. Hopefully you learned from each other and handled things like adults and moved on in life. She often reminds me that the word "hate" is strong. I use it so easily when I talk about how someone feels about me but I can't use that on anyone else no matter how they've hurt me. Why? I know why.. I don't know why.. I do have to know that someone is just wrong or immature or have issues of their own they are too afraid to address within themselves. She said I'm attempting to improve myself while some people only sit back and point fingers. Maybe it is them that need to work on things. I said, maybe. She tells me that she doesn't know these people but she sees the best way to handle conflict and she sees how I am trying to and if someone responds in anyway but to have an adult conversation back and forth, they are the immature ones and it isn't my fault. I do blame myself very very often for things. Very often. It drives her crazy haha. She is often proud of me for sharing positive things. She is heart broken about how harmful people can be. I know I need to be proud of myself sometimes. I think I had moments of that yesterday. I had moments of thinking that I tried, that I wasn't mean, that I don't know what I did wrong and I tried to approach it in a healthy way and address some things that have been unsaid for too long. There is nothing wrong with emotions. There is nothing wrong with trying to discuss issues. There is nothing wrong about standing up for myself. There is nothing wrong with saying I love someone and actually know what that means. Then I had moments of thinking I deserve that pain they caused on purpose, the blame they passed on, and they had a right to take advantage of my emotions. The thing I will always wonder is if trying to work things out, trying to be an adult, showing what "I love you" really is... is wrong. Am I wrong? Has that always been wrong and I'm just naive?
No. It's not.
No. I didn't deserve it.
No. They hurt me and maybe they are wrong.
No. I do know what love is.
No. I'm not always wrong.
No. Everyone doesn't have a right to just walk away without handling things maturely and they think it's ok somehow
No. It's not ok to say they love me when they don't even know what that means
No. It isn't always me.
It isn't always me.
It isn't always me.
Just because I tried to be kind and honest, doesn't mean someone has a right to hurt me. They don't.
"I might not be a smart man but I do know what love is"
I guess I'll struggle with "another one bites the dust", to it's all my fault, to maybe they are wrong. Some people can be so quick to say how someone else needs help without seeing the help they need. Pointing fingers at others can just be their weakness. The more I see people, the more I see that's pretty true. I'm not perfect. I don't handle every moment correctly. I am always willing to have adult conversations. That I can promise. I am very emotional. I do open up too much or too quickly to people. It can scare people away but all of those things I consider as flaws, she sees as strength.
When I read what my foster mom and her daughter said about me, I honestly thought that maybe they knew me so well then and maybe for all of my life. They saw all of, what I consider, my weaknesses as me being a "gentle soul." Maybe sometimes I have to see myself through their eyes. I never wanted to look myself in the mirror until I was with them. Sometimes I wish they could have been the ones that always made me look in the mirror and see a pretty, sweet, gentle soul. They knew what it meant to love me. That was all I ever really wanted. I wish they could have kept me forever. Life didn't hand me those cards. Even as I'm writing this, my cat is snuggling up on me and licking my hand. Maybe someone can love me for the way I show love.
I deserve a lot more then I think and maybe it reminded me that, I didn't do everything wrong and maybe I am just trying to have a conversation and it's ok. Maybe they have issues they need to look at instead of pointing fingers. If hurting me because I was trying to be kind makes you feel good, that's pretty messed up. Emotionally immature. 2 words so small that seem so right.
I guess everyone needs to be emotionally mature. I know I need improvement but that doesn't mean to blame everything on me. Maybe because I can acknowledge it, is a good thing.
Weakness and strength. Talking and listening. Blaming and loving.
It's not about closure, it's about learning. It's about growing. It's about pushing through. It isn't about shutting the door. It's about loving me enough to know I can. I will continue to try. I will continue to take the good things from my past and the bad. To sort it out and grow. It made me who I am. My past, present, and future. It makes up who I am. I'm learning. I hope I never stop. Become a better wife, a better friend, and most of all, a better person.. that knows it's not a bad thing to say "thank you" to someone, it's not a thing to be pushed aside, it's ok to say someone else was wrong, it's ok to hurt, it's ok to say enough is enough.
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