To share or not to share..
To anyone listening,
I was debating whether or not to share this information. My husband knows, my friend Lisa knows and my sister knows. Anyone who tried to contact me between Wednesday and Saturday, now know.
I was put into an inpatient program, against my will, otherwise known as a psych ward. My doctors (general, psychiatrist, and therapist) suggested I go into an outpatient program. It is M-F from 9am- 3pm and you get to go home after. This was for my depression and to help with loss. I go in to get evaluated like everyone has to do and before I knew it they had me inpatient. They locked me in a room and I called Dustin and all my doctors trying to find a way out. They said under Illinois law they had a right to detain me if they felt it was necessary. My doctors tried everything they could.
Before I knew it, I was taken (with no explanation) to the elevator and sent to the inpatient ward a.k.a. psych ward. I was scared out of my mind. They took me to a room and stripped me down naked and checked every part of my body and noted any scars. Again, no explanation and no answering of my questions. They had already taken my purse including my cell phone and they took my medication which they should not have and never returned them even after I left.
Anyway, they usually provide a gown to most patients and they issue their own socks (we were not allowed to have our own socks on for no reason told to me). Certain clothing was not allowed such as yoga pants, leggings, tank tops, or anything with straps.. oh and also no hoodies or anything with a draw string. Luckily, the woman let me slide and let me keep my clothes because she considered my loose yoga pants as sweatpants and said I could keep my tank top on as long as I kept my sweater over it. Now, at this point, no one answered any of my questions still and I was totally lost.
I come into the other room and a woman is using gloves to go through all of my belongings and said I am only allowed to use their phone during phones times and can only call numbers I know. Thank God I knew Lisa and Dustin's by heart. They did let me call my general doctor later because I listed him as one of the 6 people that I was allowed to speak to should they visit or call.
They took my vitals and my blood work. I was still confused. They had me sign paperwork and I was still getting mixed answers on the difference between voluntary and involuntary admition. At the time I had chosen involuntary because I never agreed to be put in there but with that, they have a right to hold me as long as they saw necessary and with voluntary, I could put in a date I would like to be released (my answer was TODAY in my head). After talking to 3 people about it, I got 3 different answers so I decided to leave it as involuntary until I spoke to my case worker.
I then asked one of the 5 staff members running around what I should do and what was going on. No answer. Finally I pulled one aside and said I am so confused. I don't know what is happening or what I should do. She said I can just go into the group that had started. I said ok I see that but what else is going on. She walked me around and showed me the sheets with phone times (5 phones, 30 people trying to use them at phone time soooo yeah I pretty much ran to get a phone every time). Then she showed me the schedule of everyday. It was wake up, phone time, eat breakfast, group group group, phone time, eat lunch, group group group, phone time, eat dinner, group, then one more phone time before bed. Most of the time when I was on the phone with my doctor and he said I shouldn't be in there. I was surrounded with people going through detox and people who wanted to kill other people and some people who had bad anger issues. I did not see anyone else going through a loss like I was. The groups did not help me. I did try but didn't get much from them because they didn't pertain to my case. I felt so lonely. They had to unlock and lock the doors if you needed to use the washroom and had to watch you return all plastic utensils following meals. I was like, I can't have a plastic spoon or a tv in our rooms but you let us room with people who want to kill someone and give us sheets and two pillows. Yeahhhh that's safe. They wouldn't even let me use my own comb which they later lost.
I had my room alone the first time and was relieved until about 3am when they brought in another girl. I snore so the girl never slept. I felt soooo bad. They give us all ear plugs but she said she wasn't sure if she would use them or not. She couldn't sleep anyway. I woke up and saw her sitting in the chair and I just said "hi" and she said it back and I went back to sleep. When I woke up again, she was laying in bed. It was her first time there too. We weren't supposed to share our stories with anyone or share numbers when we left or even hug each other. That night though, we did share our stories. Well, I talked to her a little about groups and about what happens and that I was confused and scared too but it will be ok. We ended up being separated the next night. Our unit ran out of beds so that's why she and I were in a different unit. The minute beds opened up on our side, we would be transferred. She was transferred first. Luckily after talking for like 20 mins, we got along really well. I felt like I made a friend already. My first night I met a girl who they told me to follow to show me the ropes who was also very cool. The three of us became very close and very fast friends. I honestly have NO idea how I would have made it without them.
Thursday was visiting hours and Dustin and Lisa came even though I told Lisa not to, she insisted. They were making me take meds that I had no idea what I was taking and had me show them my tongue, etc. I saw Lisa through the door and rushed over. When I hugged her, I started crying. I had to pull myself together to stop. I just kept saying I want to go home. We sat for a bit before Dustin came. He brought me some clothes and magazines (which they said they had to remove the staples from *eye roll*). When I hugged and kissed Dustin, I felt like it had been months since I saw him. I missed him more than I can say in words and he said he missed me too. Lisa stayed for a while but before we knew it, time was almost up so Lisa left to give Dustin and I some time. When he left, I just held on to his finger until he was gone through the doors. After they left, I couldn't stop crying and my two new friends just put their hand on my back (even that was a no no).
I was put with another roommate that night who I told I snored and she was very mean and said I guess I will just have to deal with it but in a very angry tone. Considering you don't know what people are there for, it was scary. Luckily when I woke up, she had an ear plug in so she must have caved under my snoring. I showered as early as possible everyday so I could use the phone before breakfast.
The same schedule everyday. We did meet with our, well their psychiatrist, case worker, and a medical doctor who messed with all my meds and actually made me much worse. My general doctor said we could sue if we want. She knew me for like a day and changed everything. Anyway, in order to get out of there asap like most patients, I lied. I said I was ok and didn't feel suicidal but I was honest about why I was depressed. One time I accidentally said I started seeing my psychiatrist in June and she asked of this year and I said yes not even thinking it was 2018 and she immediately wrote it down and asked if I even knew what year it was. I quickly corrected myself and explained like whoops I meant last year. Boy did that come back to bite me in the butt. My case worker explained that she didn't feel I needed to be in there for depression over a miscarriage and that I just needed group help outside of inpatient. Plus, my insurance only covered 3 days as along as we met our deductible. Well, it's March soooo of course we haven't!!! So, that should be fun.
Friday night was the weirdest roommate of all and my two friends were actually scared for me. Btw, all three of us are out now. Just a side note. I do talk to Valerie (one of the two girls) a lot through text but she lives in Chicago so meeting up would be hard. I think we need that support and understanding. I could see why they want to keep us all apart so that we don't bring each other back down but we were all there for different reasons and already Valerie and I have helped each other. Anyway, so Friday night was weird. I was told on Friday that I would be released Saturday morning so you have no idea how happy I was. The psychiatrist said at 8am but the nurses were like no one gets out of here earlier than 9:30-10. Well, my general doctor was going to make a special Saturday appointment to see me after everything that happened. I love my doctor. I just wanted out!!!
I was mid breakfast when the woman said I could sign out and I said ok and jumped up and like 3 people yelled at me saying I needed to finish breakfast first and I just kept saying I did and wasn't hungry. Now, keep in mind I don't lie and when I do on the rare occasions I totally suck at it so lying repeatedly while I was in there was very hard. I felt really bad but I just wanted out.
They went through all the stuff I brought and still couldn't find everything. That was very upsetting. When they let me go, my two friends hugged me and said they didn't care about the rules. I never wanted to let them go because they were the few that could understand what it really feels like. Being an outsider, people can only say or do so much but when you go through deep issues it's like a totally different connection.
When I left, I called Dustin and I was just bawling all the way home. I was exhausted but did some bills and took a little nap before the doctor.
I saw my doctor and thankfully he was very understanding and very much there for me but understood why I wouldn't want to do the outpatient program now at all and agreed that I still need something to help me. Dustin looked up some groups for online support or public support groups that specialize in miscarriage/ loss and grief. I will look into those.
I set up a savings account today for all of the money we have been blessed with for adoption. The woman I worked with was not only spiritual but also wanted to adopt and she said something like, some people need to go to rehab to get through the loss of a miscarriage because it is harder than people can understand unless they have been through it. It was almost as if God sent her to me to talk to.
I am happy to be home. I agree that I need a special group to talk to who understands my struggle. The worst miscarriage was the last one and not a day goes by without me thinking about her. I will still have my moments of depression but hopefully God brings us a baby. Not to replace Faith but to help me believe I was supposed to be a mom and He didn't give up on that.
Well, that's my story. I can honestly say I am the craziest one in my family because I have been to a psych ward so in their face. Lol just kidding.
We will see what the next chapter brings but I hope happiness comes with it...
I was debating whether or not to share this information. My husband knows, my friend Lisa knows and my sister knows. Anyone who tried to contact me between Wednesday and Saturday, now know.
I was put into an inpatient program, against my will, otherwise known as a psych ward. My doctors (general, psychiatrist, and therapist) suggested I go into an outpatient program. It is M-F from 9am- 3pm and you get to go home after. This was for my depression and to help with loss. I go in to get evaluated like everyone has to do and before I knew it they had me inpatient. They locked me in a room and I called Dustin and all my doctors trying to find a way out. They said under Illinois law they had a right to detain me if they felt it was necessary. My doctors tried everything they could.
Before I knew it, I was taken (with no explanation) to the elevator and sent to the inpatient ward a.k.a. psych ward. I was scared out of my mind. They took me to a room and stripped me down naked and checked every part of my body and noted any scars. Again, no explanation and no answering of my questions. They had already taken my purse including my cell phone and they took my medication which they should not have and never returned them even after I left.
Anyway, they usually provide a gown to most patients and they issue their own socks (we were not allowed to have our own socks on for no reason told to me). Certain clothing was not allowed such as yoga pants, leggings, tank tops, or anything with straps.. oh and also no hoodies or anything with a draw string. Luckily, the woman let me slide and let me keep my clothes because she considered my loose yoga pants as sweatpants and said I could keep my tank top on as long as I kept my sweater over it. Now, at this point, no one answered any of my questions still and I was totally lost.
I come into the other room and a woman is using gloves to go through all of my belongings and said I am only allowed to use their phone during phones times and can only call numbers I know. Thank God I knew Lisa and Dustin's by heart. They did let me call my general doctor later because I listed him as one of the 6 people that I was allowed to speak to should they visit or call.
They took my vitals and my blood work. I was still confused. They had me sign paperwork and I was still getting mixed answers on the difference between voluntary and involuntary admition. At the time I had chosen involuntary because I never agreed to be put in there but with that, they have a right to hold me as long as they saw necessary and with voluntary, I could put in a date I would like to be released (my answer was TODAY in my head). After talking to 3 people about it, I got 3 different answers so I decided to leave it as involuntary until I spoke to my case worker.
I then asked one of the 5 staff members running around what I should do and what was going on. No answer. Finally I pulled one aside and said I am so confused. I don't know what is happening or what I should do. She said I can just go into the group that had started. I said ok I see that but what else is going on. She walked me around and showed me the sheets with phone times (5 phones, 30 people trying to use them at phone time soooo yeah I pretty much ran to get a phone every time). Then she showed me the schedule of everyday. It was wake up, phone time, eat breakfast, group group group, phone time, eat lunch, group group group, phone time, eat dinner, group, then one more phone time before bed. Most of the time when I was on the phone with my doctor and he said I shouldn't be in there. I was surrounded with people going through detox and people who wanted to kill other people and some people who had bad anger issues. I did not see anyone else going through a loss like I was. The groups did not help me. I did try but didn't get much from them because they didn't pertain to my case. I felt so lonely. They had to unlock and lock the doors if you needed to use the washroom and had to watch you return all plastic utensils following meals. I was like, I can't have a plastic spoon or a tv in our rooms but you let us room with people who want to kill someone and give us sheets and two pillows. Yeahhhh that's safe. They wouldn't even let me use my own comb which they later lost.
I had my room alone the first time and was relieved until about 3am when they brought in another girl. I snore so the girl never slept. I felt soooo bad. They give us all ear plugs but she said she wasn't sure if she would use them or not. She couldn't sleep anyway. I woke up and saw her sitting in the chair and I just said "hi" and she said it back and I went back to sleep. When I woke up again, she was laying in bed. It was her first time there too. We weren't supposed to share our stories with anyone or share numbers when we left or even hug each other. That night though, we did share our stories. Well, I talked to her a little about groups and about what happens and that I was confused and scared too but it will be ok. We ended up being separated the next night. Our unit ran out of beds so that's why she and I were in a different unit. The minute beds opened up on our side, we would be transferred. She was transferred first. Luckily after talking for like 20 mins, we got along really well. I felt like I made a friend already. My first night I met a girl who they told me to follow to show me the ropes who was also very cool. The three of us became very close and very fast friends. I honestly have NO idea how I would have made it without them.
Thursday was visiting hours and Dustin and Lisa came even though I told Lisa not to, she insisted. They were making me take meds that I had no idea what I was taking and had me show them my tongue, etc. I saw Lisa through the door and rushed over. When I hugged her, I started crying. I had to pull myself together to stop. I just kept saying I want to go home. We sat for a bit before Dustin came. He brought me some clothes and magazines (which they said they had to remove the staples from *eye roll*). When I hugged and kissed Dustin, I felt like it had been months since I saw him. I missed him more than I can say in words and he said he missed me too. Lisa stayed for a while but before we knew it, time was almost up so Lisa left to give Dustin and I some time. When he left, I just held on to his finger until he was gone through the doors. After they left, I couldn't stop crying and my two new friends just put their hand on my back (even that was a no no).
I was put with another roommate that night who I told I snored and she was very mean and said I guess I will just have to deal with it but in a very angry tone. Considering you don't know what people are there for, it was scary. Luckily when I woke up, she had an ear plug in so she must have caved under my snoring. I showered as early as possible everyday so I could use the phone before breakfast.
The same schedule everyday. We did meet with our, well their psychiatrist, case worker, and a medical doctor who messed with all my meds and actually made me much worse. My general doctor said we could sue if we want. She knew me for like a day and changed everything. Anyway, in order to get out of there asap like most patients, I lied. I said I was ok and didn't feel suicidal but I was honest about why I was depressed. One time I accidentally said I started seeing my psychiatrist in June and she asked of this year and I said yes not even thinking it was 2018 and she immediately wrote it down and asked if I even knew what year it was. I quickly corrected myself and explained like whoops I meant last year. Boy did that come back to bite me in the butt. My case worker explained that she didn't feel I needed to be in there for depression over a miscarriage and that I just needed group help outside of inpatient. Plus, my insurance only covered 3 days as along as we met our deductible. Well, it's March soooo of course we haven't!!! So, that should be fun.
Friday night was the weirdest roommate of all and my two friends were actually scared for me. Btw, all three of us are out now. Just a side note. I do talk to Valerie (one of the two girls) a lot through text but she lives in Chicago so meeting up would be hard. I think we need that support and understanding. I could see why they want to keep us all apart so that we don't bring each other back down but we were all there for different reasons and already Valerie and I have helped each other. Anyway, so Friday night was weird. I was told on Friday that I would be released Saturday morning so you have no idea how happy I was. The psychiatrist said at 8am but the nurses were like no one gets out of here earlier than 9:30-10. Well, my general doctor was going to make a special Saturday appointment to see me after everything that happened. I love my doctor. I just wanted out!!!
I was mid breakfast when the woman said I could sign out and I said ok and jumped up and like 3 people yelled at me saying I needed to finish breakfast first and I just kept saying I did and wasn't hungry. Now, keep in mind I don't lie and when I do on the rare occasions I totally suck at it so lying repeatedly while I was in there was very hard. I felt really bad but I just wanted out.
They went through all the stuff I brought and still couldn't find everything. That was very upsetting. When they let me go, my two friends hugged me and said they didn't care about the rules. I never wanted to let them go because they were the few that could understand what it really feels like. Being an outsider, people can only say or do so much but when you go through deep issues it's like a totally different connection.
When I left, I called Dustin and I was just bawling all the way home. I was exhausted but did some bills and took a little nap before the doctor.
I saw my doctor and thankfully he was very understanding and very much there for me but understood why I wouldn't want to do the outpatient program now at all and agreed that I still need something to help me. Dustin looked up some groups for online support or public support groups that specialize in miscarriage/ loss and grief. I will look into those.
I set up a savings account today for all of the money we have been blessed with for adoption. The woman I worked with was not only spiritual but also wanted to adopt and she said something like, some people need to go to rehab to get through the loss of a miscarriage because it is harder than people can understand unless they have been through it. It was almost as if God sent her to me to talk to.
I am happy to be home. I agree that I need a special group to talk to who understands my struggle. The worst miscarriage was the last one and not a day goes by without me thinking about her. I will still have my moments of depression but hopefully God brings us a baby. Not to replace Faith but to help me believe I was supposed to be a mom and He didn't give up on that.
Well, that's my story. I can honestly say I am the craziest one in my family because I have been to a psych ward so in their face. Lol just kidding.
We will see what the next chapter brings but I hope happiness comes with it...
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