Growth

 To whoever is listening,

I have gone through some stressful times lately. They often keep me awake and go over and over in my head. The old shoulda woulda coulda deal. I have an amazing psychologist and husband and when I say amazing, I mean AMAZING. She has been monitoring and managing all of this and helping me handle some losses because she is in it with me. He has been in my corner when I need him most. An eye witness to validate me. She asked me if I trust her. I was watching something about people with chronic trauma and sometimes they don't know how to trust or what trust means. When I really think about that, it is very true for me. What I believe is trust, I only have in an extremely small amount of people that I do. Do I trust her? I question if she'll leave or if I'm too much just like I do with anyone I'm close to. The more life goes on, the stronger that fear is. Who promised never to leave has sometimes left. I have people that have been through the worst of me and stuck around. I want to be a better person. The problem is sometimes I catch it right after I've done it. I'll say I'm sorry. I mean I'm sorry. For those who really want to know me know that I am truly sorry and my heart feels broken for what I've done.. big or small. I don't intend to hurt anyone or wrong anyone and a lot of the times I don't realize it until it might have been too late. Making my husband feel like he has to change something because of a comment I made without thought, really tears me apart. I don't want to do that to him and I don't want him to add it to a list of reasons he has to resent me. I'm not saying it does but my brain believes he does.

The following has nothing to do with him. I was wondering this morning if people, predators, can tell if someone is weak? Do they naturally or subconsciously have a need to attack that person? I was thinking of situations where I was growing up and people who touched me, molested me, tried to rape me.. I thought for a second.. if I wasn't so weak, would they have hurt me? I'm so weak now. Am I putting myself out there for "predators" to attack me? People know how to hit me where it hurts. The areas I'm most vulnerable I tell people I "trust" and they use them to hurt me. Would they do that to anyone else or is it because I'm weak? I know I'm rambling and when I'm upset or passionate about what I'm saying, I repeat myself (if you haven't noticed). If I write anything really wrong, my tremors are making it difficult to type. I've already taken longer then you know. I'm waiting for an appointment now and, without thinking, I grabbed my tablet to start writing. I'm trying to take all of these experiences and learn and grow. I'm trying to use them to help me grow stronger and more sure of myself. I want to remember "I deserve more." Do I? Do I really deserve more? Can I really trust without fear? Can I live a life where I can look in the mirror and think I'm worth something? I don't know. I want to. I see it in other people. I want that strength. I want that... honesty. I'm not sure that's the right word. Am I weak for walking away without standing up for myself or am I stronger for not going off but the person knows? I would hope they know. I just want someone to love me. No judgement, no pain, no distrust, no walking on egg shells, just love me. Is that even possible? Am I worth loving? If I could go take words back or change my actions, I still think I would. At the same time, I dwell on the past. I beat myself up for what I am or who I was. I deserve that. That's what I deserve. THAT is what is making me weaker. I shake my head at the age I'm at, the regrets I have, and still seeing that little girl. It makes me so mad. I haven't been able to stop the fear of my Dad coming to hurt me. I don't know why it's so strong right now. It's not a fear only when I sleep anymore. I cry and beg him to leave me alone. Excuse my french but it pisses me off. Be patient with me. Please.

You know what I want to tell that girl in the corner in her pink corduroy pants who that boy was touching.. "I'm sorry." I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you. I would never hurt a child the way you were hurt but.. I let her get hurt. I let myself get hurt and then think it was my fault.

Advocating for myself and apologizing for myself is very difficult for me but pushing someone away or having resentment towards me is a whole other thing.

Anyway, it's time for my appointments. Maybe we'll talk again soon.

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