Posts

Because

  To whoever is listening:   So, here we are. Another day and a new pain. My neck this time. Sometimes I think about how different my life was before 2015. It was so much better. I was able to help both physically and financially. I was able to do things without pain. Oh to wake up in the middle of the night hoping it isn't pain that woke you.   Sometimes I see glimpses of hope in all aspects of myself. I've learned to appreciate some people more and I'm learning to shut my mouth more and more hence this blog where I just talk. Ironic isn't it?   I have an amazing husband. No one would ever take care of me the way he does. He loves me and works very very hard.    I look around the house and realize just how much crap I own and drawers to go through, closets to throw things out of, and then I look at a life that's lived. I'm not saying without stuff you haven't lived. I'm saying that for me, each thing was a time in my life, a memory, dreams, loves, and s...
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  To whoever is listening: I'm not gonna lie. I'm hurt, I'm angry, I feel selfish.. I don't want to do it without him. It's not fun. It's not what I've already planned and it's only right that I stay instead. If he doesn't, then I won't. She's mine anyway, right?! I just wanted some time with him, memories again and to see friends. I just wanted him.. this one hurts. I'm not going then.
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Lies

 To whoever is listening:   I'm trying to figure out what are truths and what are lies... for myself, from others, for those I love. It is a painful thing to watch someone who means the world to you get lost in lies and destruction. I am not one to smile all of the time. I am one who has a sensitive heart. I am one who has hope in others but none in herself. I think about it but haven't given up. Please don't give in.. we can do this together Let me in or let yourself out I can't stop pain but with all the love I have, I would want nothing more then to take all of yours away. All of the hate, the anger, the lashing out, the pain I go through, all of it to see you happy. If only I knew what to say I know you won't talk to me but it doesn't hurt to talk to someone Please just know that when I look in your eyes, I see someone I truly love I'm hurting. It does make me want to give up sometimes. Raise my hands to the sky and say, "If this is what you want li...
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 To whoever is listening: I just spent the last 2 hours crying. Not only from the pain. There are 3 things I hate when people say them to me: fat, ugly, annoying. I don't know what my next step is but I have to make one.
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IF

 To whoever is listening: I'm unhappy. I just am. I don't want to sound like a pathetic person, but I honestly feel unwanted. I really really do. How many excuses can I make? You did it because you may have been bored or mad at me? That can't be it. Would it be different if it was fresh with someone new or is it the truth? Do you really feel the way you do and lack the joy and also desire? I know the amazing things I do have but then I cry. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel hated or for anyone to be annoyed by me. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I just can't keep getting hurt every week. Is it also how I look? If I wore something different? Should I keep blaming myself? I'm scared. I feel like I need to suck it up and just put up with it. Saying something isn't working. It's me. I'm sorry. I have to fix this a different way. 
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To whoever is listening: Usually.. well, pretty much each day.. I feel this overwhelming sadness. Have you ever had days where you feel like you can cry at any moment? Yep, that's me.  I will sometimes stop myself and "remember people love you" just until someone reminds me that they don't. Yep, that's me too. I feel like I'm begging for love. Just to have someone actually like me and want to hear what I have to say.. just something. Am I only loveable if I'm quiet? How can someone love me if they don't want to know me? I miss my kitty. He always wanted to hear what I had to say. A cat. A CAT! The worst things I think about myself might actually be true and I try and talk myself out of it because the memes say I shouldn't feel that way or it isn't true. What if it is? I make promises of being quiet that I don't keep, so.
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Growth

 To whoever is listening, I have gone through some stressful times lately. They often keep me awake and go over and over in my head. The old shoulda woulda coulda deal. I have an amazing psychologist and husband and when I say amazing, I mean AMAZING. She has been monitoring and managing all of this and helping me handle some losses because she is in it with me. He has been in my corner when I need him most. An eye witness to validate me. She asked me if I trust her. I was watching something about people with chronic trauma and sometimes they don't know how to trust or what trust means. When I really think about that, it is very true for me. What I believe is trust, I only have in an extremely small amount of people that I do. Do I trust her? I question if she'll leave or if I'm too much just like I do with anyone I'm close to. The more life goes on, the stronger that fear is. Who promised never to leave has sometimes left. I have people that have been through the worst...
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