God?
To those that are listening,
I was in the shower thinking about how I felt at the hospital the day after my daughter passed away. I was smiling at the nurses and being polite even though I felt empty inside. I use the word empty both physically and emotionally at the moment.
One of the nurses asked me two questions that weren't in my file. One question was what my religion was. I also had the choice to not reply. It was the first time I hesitated. I didn't know why but at that moment but I felt so guilty. I was a leader in youth groups, I spent a year in a ministry program (another story ), and I was reading 3 books including the Bible to the baby. Why did I hesitate? I eventually blurted out Christian.
After she left, I thought about that girl that was asked if she believed in Jesus and she answered yes and then was killed. I thought, here I am hesitating when that brave girl had no doubt. What happened to me?
I started to cry. I told God that I didn't understand why this was happening. After 8 miscarriages and the chance of pregnancy being so so low, why would this happen?! What did I do? I didn't read the Bible one night to her, is that why? I had some chocolate and pop. Is that why? Is it just what I deserve? I am not a big believer in karma only because I know too many great people that are hurt and too many not so great people that strive. In this case though I truly believed I did something in my past or present that deserved this pain and loss. I know I have made mistakes in my life some of which I truly regret and wish I could change but it happened. I can only control today. Well, on that day I felt I had lost all control and to know I questioned my faith, even for a second, broke me more. I didn't have much to say other than why..
I still don't have my answer. When I was pregnant, I played the song Cinderella. It's a Christian song that is about a father dancing with his daughter.. I played it even before I knew what I was having. The thought of that song still makes me cry. Seeing a baby even breaks me. I am happy for my friends who have babies but to see them is like ripping my heart out right now.
On our way home, I told Dustin (my husband) that I didn't want to go home to see the dresser I painted for her, I wanted all evidence gone. When we got home, I went upstairs and he took the dresser to the garage and we painted it later that week. This past week I started to paint the bedroom. Here I am painting an accent wall crimson and bawling. There is something inside of me that can't give up the idea of being a mom. I felt like I was covering up the dream of it and not just covering a yellow wall. I talked to God and asked why I still felt this way. Dustin and I agreed to not try anymore and he had a vasectomy. He didn't want me going through that pain anymore and we both wanted to adopt since our second date so why was I still sad. We both agreed to still pursue that and it has been a dream of mine for years so why did I hurt like that. I just pray that after I lost Faith, my own faith can return.
I was in the shower thinking about how I felt at the hospital the day after my daughter passed away. I was smiling at the nurses and being polite even though I felt empty inside. I use the word empty both physically and emotionally at the moment.
One of the nurses asked me two questions that weren't in my file. One question was what my religion was. I also had the choice to not reply. It was the first time I hesitated. I didn't know why but at that moment but I felt so guilty. I was a leader in youth groups, I spent a year in a ministry program (another story ), and I was reading 3 books including the Bible to the baby. Why did I hesitate? I eventually blurted out Christian.
After she left, I thought about that girl that was asked if she believed in Jesus and she answered yes and then was killed. I thought, here I am hesitating when that brave girl had no doubt. What happened to me?
I started to cry. I told God that I didn't understand why this was happening. After 8 miscarriages and the chance of pregnancy being so so low, why would this happen?! What did I do? I didn't read the Bible one night to her, is that why? I had some chocolate and pop. Is that why? Is it just what I deserve? I am not a big believer in karma only because I know too many great people that are hurt and too many not so great people that strive. In this case though I truly believed I did something in my past or present that deserved this pain and loss. I know I have made mistakes in my life some of which I truly regret and wish I could change but it happened. I can only control today. Well, on that day I felt I had lost all control and to know I questioned my faith, even for a second, broke me more. I didn't have much to say other than why..
I still don't have my answer. When I was pregnant, I played the song Cinderella. It's a Christian song that is about a father dancing with his daughter.. I played it even before I knew what I was having. The thought of that song still makes me cry. Seeing a baby even breaks me. I am happy for my friends who have babies but to see them is like ripping my heart out right now.
On our way home, I told Dustin (my husband) that I didn't want to go home to see the dresser I painted for her, I wanted all evidence gone. When we got home, I went upstairs and he took the dresser to the garage and we painted it later that week. This past week I started to paint the bedroom. Here I am painting an accent wall crimson and bawling. There is something inside of me that can't give up the idea of being a mom. I felt like I was covering up the dream of it and not just covering a yellow wall. I talked to God and asked why I still felt this way. Dustin and I agreed to not try anymore and he had a vasectomy. He didn't want me going through that pain anymore and we both wanted to adopt since our second date so why was I still sad. We both agreed to still pursue that and it has been a dream of mine for years so why did I hurt like that. I just pray that after I lost Faith, my own faith can return.
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