How am I?
To anyone listening,
How are you? That's a hard question to answer right now. I know it means so much when someone asks me but how do I answer such a loaded question.
When people ask me, I know it comes from a loving place and they truly want to know how I am doing. I wish so much to give an answer that made more sense then bad, sad, day by day, etc. I just don't have a right answer. Have I laughed since this happened? Thankfully yes. Have I been thankful for every single person that has reached out to me in some way? Yes! I need that. I crave it right now but then when it comes I have no answers. I worry about what the other person is thinking. "I hope she is better today because I don't know what to say" "I hope she is normal when we see each other" I have no clue what people are thinking but I worry more about them then myself.
My doctor told me to be honest and not to worry about what others might be bothered by because if they are secretly bothered or want me over it then they aren't real friends. He said answer only for today. "Today I feel..." Everyday will change. Every hour will change. Why force yourself to give an answer you assume someone wants to hear rather than just telling them the truth. They love you and that's what they should want to hear, the truth.
I love my doctor. He is like a really nice uncle that you just want to hug so he tells you everything will be ok. I feel like there is a time limit on how long I can be upset about this. If someone knows, please tell me because I have no idea. I feel so lost. I adore my husband but he is a problem solver like most men and he can't solve it so this sweet man will instead spend an extra 15 minutes out of his way to get me something. He will wake up half asleep to get me a cool washcloth for my eyes. That's the man I married. He makes me so happy that when he leaves my thoughts run wild and when he is home I feel safe and quiet. Our marriage consists of lots of laughter, lots of please and thanks yous, and even more holding hands and flirting like we are still dating. I miss him when he leaves. I miss him when we are in the same room but not cuddling so I find myself just going over to him to lay in his lap more often than not.
How am I? The truth is, I don't know. Empty. I'm just empty right now. If you love me, never be afraid to ask as long as you are ok with the answers. One of my best friends, Maria, asks me almost everyday how I am doing and I can't tell you how loved that has made me feel but I wish I had more answers for her and for everyone.
I have gained so much weight. Nothing fits. Some of the weight is still from the pregnancy and some is from depression eating. When I ask to get together with someone or agree to, it takes every single bit of strength I have to get in the shower and go. I just want to hide under a blanket and not have anyone see this thing I call me. I have seen Lisa and my friend Jason and I was scared but it ended up being that they didn't even look at me as some sad fatso, they just looked at me like a friend and maybe a friend in need. My heart is thankful. So thankful.
Day by day...
How are you? That's a hard question to answer right now. I know it means so much when someone asks me but how do I answer such a loaded question.
When people ask me, I know it comes from a loving place and they truly want to know how I am doing. I wish so much to give an answer that made more sense then bad, sad, day by day, etc. I just don't have a right answer. Have I laughed since this happened? Thankfully yes. Have I been thankful for every single person that has reached out to me in some way? Yes! I need that. I crave it right now but then when it comes I have no answers. I worry about what the other person is thinking. "I hope she is better today because I don't know what to say" "I hope she is normal when we see each other" I have no clue what people are thinking but I worry more about them then myself.
My doctor told me to be honest and not to worry about what others might be bothered by because if they are secretly bothered or want me over it then they aren't real friends. He said answer only for today. "Today I feel..." Everyday will change. Every hour will change. Why force yourself to give an answer you assume someone wants to hear rather than just telling them the truth. They love you and that's what they should want to hear, the truth.
I love my doctor. He is like a really nice uncle that you just want to hug so he tells you everything will be ok. I feel like there is a time limit on how long I can be upset about this. If someone knows, please tell me because I have no idea. I feel so lost. I adore my husband but he is a problem solver like most men and he can't solve it so this sweet man will instead spend an extra 15 minutes out of his way to get me something. He will wake up half asleep to get me a cool washcloth for my eyes. That's the man I married. He makes me so happy that when he leaves my thoughts run wild and when he is home I feel safe and quiet. Our marriage consists of lots of laughter, lots of please and thanks yous, and even more holding hands and flirting like we are still dating. I miss him when he leaves. I miss him when we are in the same room but not cuddling so I find myself just going over to him to lay in his lap more often than not.
How am I? The truth is, I don't know. Empty. I'm just empty right now. If you love me, never be afraid to ask as long as you are ok with the answers. One of my best friends, Maria, asks me almost everyday how I am doing and I can't tell you how loved that has made me feel but I wish I had more answers for her and for everyone.
I have gained so much weight. Nothing fits. Some of the weight is still from the pregnancy and some is from depression eating. When I ask to get together with someone or agree to, it takes every single bit of strength I have to get in the shower and go. I just want to hide under a blanket and not have anyone see this thing I call me. I have seen Lisa and my friend Jason and I was scared but it ended up being that they didn't even look at me as some sad fatso, they just looked at me like a friend and maybe a friend in need. My heart is thankful. So thankful.
Day by day...
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