My first post?
To anyone listening..
Most often I sound long-winded like some people I know which is probably why we get along so well. Why would someone write a blog, I asked myself. My answer was, for themselves. It is to get all those thoughts bouncing around in your head everyday to make sense or just to ramble on about them. As my cat sits next to me on my laptop trying to push herself onto my lap, I will attempt to write something.. some thoughts whether important to you or not, I think they should be to me, right?
I am a 36 year old woman who looks back at my life and wonders what I contributed to this gift we call life. My husband is the best decision I ever made. He is at work now while I sit here. He supports us both with no complaint as I sit here complaining about what I'm going through. I disgust myself at times. I'm a want to be actress, want to be mom, want to be a wife who cooks like my husband has wanted. He deserves a cook. He deserves much more than that. I just wonder if I will ever be enough in my own mind. It's me that thinks that way. The fear that he will leave me can be strong. Maybe it's because of so many people that have left me before.
On May 26th (my 11th anniversary), I lost a baby. I was 22 weeks pregnant. I saw it's little legs and arms move and had no doubt I would love nothing more than I would love her. Faith was her name and with that name alone, I knew in my heart she would come. She didn't. Maybe I'm writing this to get out my feelings, maybe I'm writing to forget...
Most often I sound long-winded like some people I know which is probably why we get along so well. Why would someone write a blog, I asked myself. My answer was, for themselves. It is to get all those thoughts bouncing around in your head everyday to make sense or just to ramble on about them. As my cat sits next to me on my laptop trying to push herself onto my lap, I will attempt to write something.. some thoughts whether important to you or not, I think they should be to me, right?
I am a 36 year old woman who looks back at my life and wonders what I contributed to this gift we call life. My husband is the best decision I ever made. He is at work now while I sit here. He supports us both with no complaint as I sit here complaining about what I'm going through. I disgust myself at times. I'm a want to be actress, want to be mom, want to be a wife who cooks like my husband has wanted. He deserves a cook. He deserves much more than that. I just wonder if I will ever be enough in my own mind. It's me that thinks that way. The fear that he will leave me can be strong. Maybe it's because of so many people that have left me before.
On May 26th (my 11th anniversary), I lost a baby. I was 22 weeks pregnant. I saw it's little legs and arms move and had no doubt I would love nothing more than I would love her. Faith was her name and with that name alone, I knew in my heart she would come. She didn't. Maybe I'm writing this to get out my feelings, maybe I'm writing to forget...
Don't forget ~ she will always be a part of you and she needs to be remembered. We have all grieved along with you. I've cried; I'm sad; and the loss of my grandchild is very real and painful. I still think about her, about you, about Dustin. I'm still sad. I bought two sympathy cards, but didn't send them. I've thought of so many things to send, but can't motivate myself to do it. That seems so final. I will forever miss her, but one day, Debbie, we will see her and hold her. Faith was real and she is real. She's with God. She knows that you (all of us) loved her.
ReplyDeleteDustin adores you. He loves the funny little faces you make. He wants you to be happy. Happiness will come again.