Marilyn
To anyone listening,
I have always been drawn to people from the past. I thought for a long time that I was meant to be one of those old time movie stars. The movie stars with the fur and diamonds. I wanted to be one of the people that everyone looked at and wanted to know. When I die, no one will want to read an autobiography of some random woman's life. I wanted to be someone everyone wondered about. When I was little, I would wish and wish I was just a little girl that was actually a princess having a bad nightmare and I would wake up in a gorgeous bed, beautiful, and with loving parents. I must have wished that wish a thousand times in the mirror before bed.
Is it up to me to be an actress? Yes. Do I have a huge fear of being judged? Yes. I always wanted to be Marilyn Monroe. It wasn't just because she was known as the most beautiful women. Actually she was called straw head at times. What I loved about her was her confidence when she became another person whom she called Marilyn Monroe. My birthday is Feb 23rd and I just found out she actually changed her name legally to Marilyn Monroe on Feb 23rd. That was a random fact obviously. Anyway, what else I loved about her is that she came from a troubled home, foster homes, etc. Her life was much harder than mine in some respects but she got out. She decided she was going to be something more than a victim. She did. I always wanted a nose job to have her nose well anyone's tiny nose. I want to be someone that walks in a room and makes someone say "she's beautiful." It isn't just all about looks because I won't ever have that but it's about confidence. It's about knowing and believing that I was beautifully and wonderfully made just as I am. I want to believe that. How do you go from feeling so low to having the smallest feeling of being more than just a fat face?
I knew God thought I was pretty and I know my husband thinks I'm pretty but how do you make yourself believe that? It is so much easier to see it in someone else. When I was working at MAC cosmetics one day, a woman came in and I saw her and said hello, etc. About an hour later she came back and tapped me on the shoulder. She said "I just had to come back and tell you that you are gorgeous." Was it the fact that I worked at a store like MAC? I thought that was such a wonderful thing to say to someone. Sometimes people ask if Dustin just married me for my looks. Isn't that a kind of insult? Plus, if that's all I have then that is sad because I don't even have that.
I've been wondering why I was so blessed with a husband like Dustin. He is handsome and much smarter than I will ever be. He is patient with me and accepts ALL my flaws even if it drives him crazy at times. How could it not? But, I may not be the girl in the magazine or the girl everyone thinks is beautiful, but I will love him forever. Sometimes I think that is real beauty. When you have someone that loves you and when you can count on both hands how many you love. Isn't that what real beauty is?
I have always been drawn to people from the past. I thought for a long time that I was meant to be one of those old time movie stars. The movie stars with the fur and diamonds. I wanted to be one of the people that everyone looked at and wanted to know. When I die, no one will want to read an autobiography of some random woman's life. I wanted to be someone everyone wondered about. When I was little, I would wish and wish I was just a little girl that was actually a princess having a bad nightmare and I would wake up in a gorgeous bed, beautiful, and with loving parents. I must have wished that wish a thousand times in the mirror before bed.
Is it up to me to be an actress? Yes. Do I have a huge fear of being judged? Yes. I always wanted to be Marilyn Monroe. It wasn't just because she was known as the most beautiful women. Actually she was called straw head at times. What I loved about her was her confidence when she became another person whom she called Marilyn Monroe. My birthday is Feb 23rd and I just found out she actually changed her name legally to Marilyn Monroe on Feb 23rd. That was a random fact obviously. Anyway, what else I loved about her is that she came from a troubled home, foster homes, etc. Her life was much harder than mine in some respects but she got out. She decided she was going to be something more than a victim. She did. I always wanted a nose job to have her nose well anyone's tiny nose. I want to be someone that walks in a room and makes someone say "she's beautiful." It isn't just all about looks because I won't ever have that but it's about confidence. It's about knowing and believing that I was beautifully and wonderfully made just as I am. I want to believe that. How do you go from feeling so low to having the smallest feeling of being more than just a fat face?
I knew God thought I was pretty and I know my husband thinks I'm pretty but how do you make yourself believe that? It is so much easier to see it in someone else. When I was working at MAC cosmetics one day, a woman came in and I saw her and said hello, etc. About an hour later she came back and tapped me on the shoulder. She said "I just had to come back and tell you that you are gorgeous." Was it the fact that I worked at a store like MAC? I thought that was such a wonderful thing to say to someone. Sometimes people ask if Dustin just married me for my looks. Isn't that a kind of insult? Plus, if that's all I have then that is sad because I don't even have that.
I've been wondering why I was so blessed with a husband like Dustin. He is handsome and much smarter than I will ever be. He is patient with me and accepts ALL my flaws even if it drives him crazy at times. How could it not? But, I may not be the girl in the magazine or the girl everyone thinks is beautiful, but I will love him forever. Sometimes I think that is real beauty. When you have someone that loves you and when you can count on both hands how many you love. Isn't that what real beauty is?
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