master's commission
To anyone listening,
I have friends of all kinds. They have different beliefs and different personalities all of which I love. I like how people can be totally different. I've had an obsession with autobiographies because I find it so interesting to hear about where people came from and where they went in life. No two people are the same even if they grew up in the same home. My siblings and I are very different but then the next second all 3 of us will have the exact same cell phone. It's so strange how that happens. My siblings, although not speaking to each other, are very important to me. We have been through a lot together and it's like our little secret. No words can ever describe the details of what we went through and I can't speak for them but only myself. I love my siblings in good and bad times. We might not always like each other but I will always be there for them in the hard times. No matter what. Dustin doesn't always understand that depending on the issue which I understand because he wants to protect me but our past is something I can't use words to explain to him. I can see where he is coming from though. I would hate to use these words because I don't like when people say it but "I digress.."
My sister started going to church because a friend brought her. I think it was something she needed and then something she ended up loving. She would play Christian music in the house and talk to me about God. There was one song that I really liked, Shout to the Lord. I remember her coming in one day and I was listening to her CD and apologized for playing it without her permission but looking back, I can remember how happy she was. At the time, I had no idea but now I know why.
I went to youth group with her. Unfortunately I fell for a guy there. Boy was that relationship a total mess for about 10 years. He still pops up sometimes and Dustin knows all about it. I think he is the only guy whose butt he wants to kick. lol Anyway, my sister was kind of like my mom growing up. She didn't want that title and I'm thankful I'm alive because of her.. It was something I didn't appreciate until I was older. She was a 6 year old changing our diapers and making sure we were fed sometimes. I now know why she has gone through so many emotional situations when she finally didn't have to be "mom" anymore. I might have my ups and downs, butting heads with her but there are things I will always love. She was by my side when I lost Faith, called me, sent flowers and always checks up on me. That's a love that can't be shaken.
So, I remember (besides the guy) going to church and experiencing a new kind of happiness. Maybe I was searching for it my whole life. I was looking for a pure kind of love. Some say religion is a safety net people just turn to but it isn't real. To that I say, to each their own. I know personally I never wanted to let go of that feeling. It wasn't about the Christians I met along the way. It was about the relationship I had with God. I know these conversations make people uncomfortable and if it wasn't a blog I wouldn't be speaking of it so much. It was a huge part of my life. I was in youth group, I was a leader in youth group. I didn't know every passage in the Bible. I didn't have every answer and I sure the heck wasn't perfect. I think that was part of the reason I talk to God alone. I felt a huge burden on Christians to be perfect. It was so difficult to handle it. I am only human. I am a person who says the wrong things, acts the wrong ways, and makes mistakes I wish I could take back but sometimes Christians are under a microscope and I have to say some Christians I know have hurt me just as much as non Christians. I have been loved by Christians just as much as non Christians.
I met two of the most influential people in my life to this day at church, Pastor Kris and Rachael. They put up with my emotions, fears, tears, were there when my dad was abusive, they were there to pray with me and for me. They made me believe in the worst of times that God still loved me. Although I still have struggles, I wonder how much worse it could have been without them. They met at Master's Commission in Rockford IL. It is an intense program that brings you closer to God, teaches you, tests you, and helps lead you in a path. No, I wasn't becoming a nun. I didn't want to become a Pastor although they do offer programs for that. I went to get closer to God. Period.
I was accepted. SCARY!!! I knew it was going to be hard. I knew I was going in there without growing up in a Christian home, without knowing every part of the Bible. I felt I was so behind my class. We weren't allowed to date our first year so our concentration could be on God but most of us had a crush on some guy. They were good Christian men. It was hard not to. I decided it would be funny to wear my shirt that all my friends thought was funny at home too that read BOYS LIE. I wore it the first day. The guys laughed but the girls ripped on me for wearing it. They said it wasn't nice to say that about the guys and it was inappropriate. Right then, I missed my friends. They didn't judge me like that. I'm not saying all Christians judge. I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying that was my first experience. It was an intense year. I remember most things I did I got in trouble for. Just like high school, I felt there were popular kids and unpopular kids and I was in the second category. I always am the nerd. It doesn't matter where I am, I am always the nerd. People can smell it on me. It doesn't help that I always say the wrong thing or fumble. I hate that. Anyway, I remember being told I had a victim mentality. It still strikes a cord with me. It made me so mad but also made me realize some things. Was the person who said that perfect? No. Is anyone?
When you go there, you have to be a leader whether with Junior High kids (which I LOVE that age) or high school and college. I was not ready. I didn't think it was fair when I was still learning. How can I do that when I had questions. I was even scared to pray over kids without them thinking "she doesn't know what she is doing" and they are supposed to look to me for Godly advice. All I knew was I had faith in God. It was so scary and a lot of Master's Commission then I didn't agree with and a lot of the kids rejected me because of my background and how I looked. I know some of them have really changed. I know I wasn't perfect but I also know some of them really helped me. I had a friend named Kelly who was gorgeous. I mean it. She could be a model. She was funny and kind and never judged me. I had some amazing roommates who I still love with all my heart. I met some amazing youth group kids who I still miss.
Had I not had a chat with the man that ran the program, I would have quit a week before graduation. I am thankful for him. He made sense to me and understood why I felt the way I did. In the end he said, do it for you and God and no one else. I did and after that year, I crossed the finish line. I had my friends in the audience and even my dad showed up. It was so hard. I remember wanting to leave as soon as possible but never wanting to let go at the same time. One of the boys said he would see me sit front and center every morning during prayer time so I could get as close to God as possible and that is exactly how I felt.
After Master's, although accepted for another year, I stayed home with my dad. You can call it guilt but I call it fear. I was afraid to go back and I was afraid my dad would be upset. I was scared. I spent a lot of that year forgiving people and myself. I still need to work on that. Sometimes people hear I am a Christian or went to that school and freak out. I think they almost want to run or not talk to me anymore. For me, it isn't like that. Some of the greatest people I know are atheists and I love them so much. It doesn't matter to me and I don't think less of them at all and I hope they don't think less of me for that past.
Do I still love God? Yes. Do I still pray? Yes. The number one thing I was thankful for during that year was how close I was to God. That will always be the best year I had with Him.
When Dustin asked me to be his girlfriend, I remember having 3 questions and one was if he believed in God and that Jesus was the son of God. He answered that he did believe and with that I knew we would be ok. I felt a peace when Dustin proposed. I had been asked to marry 4 other men and said no but with Dustin, I felt peace. We were engaged in 5 weeks but I knew.
I miss worship time at church but will I change my beliefs, no. Even during the roughest time, including now, I am thankful to have God. I am thankful for all the different people I know and the love they give me no matter what their faith. It is amazing.
I have friends of all kinds. They have different beliefs and different personalities all of which I love. I like how people can be totally different. I've had an obsession with autobiographies because I find it so interesting to hear about where people came from and where they went in life. No two people are the same even if they grew up in the same home. My siblings and I are very different but then the next second all 3 of us will have the exact same cell phone. It's so strange how that happens. My siblings, although not speaking to each other, are very important to me. We have been through a lot together and it's like our little secret. No words can ever describe the details of what we went through and I can't speak for them but only myself. I love my siblings in good and bad times. We might not always like each other but I will always be there for them in the hard times. No matter what. Dustin doesn't always understand that depending on the issue which I understand because he wants to protect me but our past is something I can't use words to explain to him. I can see where he is coming from though. I would hate to use these words because I don't like when people say it but "I digress.."
My sister started going to church because a friend brought her. I think it was something she needed and then something she ended up loving. She would play Christian music in the house and talk to me about God. There was one song that I really liked, Shout to the Lord. I remember her coming in one day and I was listening to her CD and apologized for playing it without her permission but looking back, I can remember how happy she was. At the time, I had no idea but now I know why.
I went to youth group with her. Unfortunately I fell for a guy there. Boy was that relationship a total mess for about 10 years. He still pops up sometimes and Dustin knows all about it. I think he is the only guy whose butt he wants to kick. lol Anyway, my sister was kind of like my mom growing up. She didn't want that title and I'm thankful I'm alive because of her.. It was something I didn't appreciate until I was older. She was a 6 year old changing our diapers and making sure we were fed sometimes. I now know why she has gone through so many emotional situations when she finally didn't have to be "mom" anymore. I might have my ups and downs, butting heads with her but there are things I will always love. She was by my side when I lost Faith, called me, sent flowers and always checks up on me. That's a love that can't be shaken.
So, I remember (besides the guy) going to church and experiencing a new kind of happiness. Maybe I was searching for it my whole life. I was looking for a pure kind of love. Some say religion is a safety net people just turn to but it isn't real. To that I say, to each their own. I know personally I never wanted to let go of that feeling. It wasn't about the Christians I met along the way. It was about the relationship I had with God. I know these conversations make people uncomfortable and if it wasn't a blog I wouldn't be speaking of it so much. It was a huge part of my life. I was in youth group, I was a leader in youth group. I didn't know every passage in the Bible. I didn't have every answer and I sure the heck wasn't perfect. I think that was part of the reason I talk to God alone. I felt a huge burden on Christians to be perfect. It was so difficult to handle it. I am only human. I am a person who says the wrong things, acts the wrong ways, and makes mistakes I wish I could take back but sometimes Christians are under a microscope and I have to say some Christians I know have hurt me just as much as non Christians. I have been loved by Christians just as much as non Christians.
I met two of the most influential people in my life to this day at church, Pastor Kris and Rachael. They put up with my emotions, fears, tears, were there when my dad was abusive, they were there to pray with me and for me. They made me believe in the worst of times that God still loved me. Although I still have struggles, I wonder how much worse it could have been without them. They met at Master's Commission in Rockford IL. It is an intense program that brings you closer to God, teaches you, tests you, and helps lead you in a path. No, I wasn't becoming a nun. I didn't want to become a Pastor although they do offer programs for that. I went to get closer to God. Period.
I was accepted. SCARY!!! I knew it was going to be hard. I knew I was going in there without growing up in a Christian home, without knowing every part of the Bible. I felt I was so behind my class. We weren't allowed to date our first year so our concentration could be on God but most of us had a crush on some guy. They were good Christian men. It was hard not to. I decided it would be funny to wear my shirt that all my friends thought was funny at home too that read BOYS LIE. I wore it the first day. The guys laughed but the girls ripped on me for wearing it. They said it wasn't nice to say that about the guys and it was inappropriate. Right then, I missed my friends. They didn't judge me like that. I'm not saying all Christians judge. I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying that was my first experience. It was an intense year. I remember most things I did I got in trouble for. Just like high school, I felt there were popular kids and unpopular kids and I was in the second category. I always am the nerd. It doesn't matter where I am, I am always the nerd. People can smell it on me. It doesn't help that I always say the wrong thing or fumble. I hate that. Anyway, I remember being told I had a victim mentality. It still strikes a cord with me. It made me so mad but also made me realize some things. Was the person who said that perfect? No. Is anyone?
When you go there, you have to be a leader whether with Junior High kids (which I LOVE that age) or high school and college. I was not ready. I didn't think it was fair when I was still learning. How can I do that when I had questions. I was even scared to pray over kids without them thinking "she doesn't know what she is doing" and they are supposed to look to me for Godly advice. All I knew was I had faith in God. It was so scary and a lot of Master's Commission then I didn't agree with and a lot of the kids rejected me because of my background and how I looked. I know some of them have really changed. I know I wasn't perfect but I also know some of them really helped me. I had a friend named Kelly who was gorgeous. I mean it. She could be a model. She was funny and kind and never judged me. I had some amazing roommates who I still love with all my heart. I met some amazing youth group kids who I still miss.
Had I not had a chat with the man that ran the program, I would have quit a week before graduation. I am thankful for him. He made sense to me and understood why I felt the way I did. In the end he said, do it for you and God and no one else. I did and after that year, I crossed the finish line. I had my friends in the audience and even my dad showed up. It was so hard. I remember wanting to leave as soon as possible but never wanting to let go at the same time. One of the boys said he would see me sit front and center every morning during prayer time so I could get as close to God as possible and that is exactly how I felt.
After Master's, although accepted for another year, I stayed home with my dad. You can call it guilt but I call it fear. I was afraid to go back and I was afraid my dad would be upset. I was scared. I spent a lot of that year forgiving people and myself. I still need to work on that. Sometimes people hear I am a Christian or went to that school and freak out. I think they almost want to run or not talk to me anymore. For me, it isn't like that. Some of the greatest people I know are atheists and I love them so much. It doesn't matter to me and I don't think less of them at all and I hope they don't think less of me for that past.
Do I still love God? Yes. Do I still pray? Yes. The number one thing I was thankful for during that year was how close I was to God. That will always be the best year I had with Him.
When Dustin asked me to be his girlfriend, I remember having 3 questions and one was if he believed in God and that Jesus was the son of God. He answered that he did believe and with that I knew we would be ok. I felt a peace when Dustin proposed. I had been asked to marry 4 other men and said no but with Dustin, I felt peace. We were engaged in 5 weeks but I knew.
I miss worship time at church but will I change my beliefs, no. Even during the roughest time, including now, I am thankful to have God. I am thankful for all the different people I know and the love they give me no matter what their faith. It is amazing.
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