Busy kind of
To anyone listening,
It's been a while since I posted. It is hard to get my feelings out lately. My unemployment ran out so tightening the belt more until either we move or I get disability. If I get denied again for it, then job hunting I go. For now, we will be in a funk. Hopefully it won't last forever.
I am on medication and still seeing a psychiatrist. I have to find another therapist who takes our insurance. Anyway, that being said, I cried in her office yesterday for no apparent reason. I pulled myself together very quickly but inside I was thinking "ugh, just someone help me." I was telling myself STOP acting like this you big baby. What is wrong with you?!
My days seem to go by faster than before. It could be because of the play. I'm really trying to memorize my lines but then something creeps in there, in my mind and I get confused. It isn't even like a big part with lots of lines. It's one scene. They had an option to switch roles the last weekend of performances. I felt bad but I can't do it at least right now as cool as that sounds. I was like 1 of 5 or 6 that didn't want to change roles so I don't feel bad about it. I just wish I was in a different state of mind to do something cool like that.
I worked out the last couple of days but then I get to the point of eating it all back and then some. It's so bad!!! I am looking forward to the weekend which I haven't said in a long time. Actually the next two weekends. This weekend the cast of this show and the last show are getting together to do karaoke at a local place and Dustin and I are going. Dustin has a work thing first but hopefully he will get to go with me. Saturday is the Notre Dame game. We aren't going but I like to watch it on tv and maybe we can go somewhere to watch it. Sunday is the Bears game!!! I was supposed to get an evite to Stan and Mary's but nothing yet. It's no biggie. I hope we do get to meet up with them again though. Next weekend is the Chicago Symphony Orchestra for Dustin's birthday. We bought the tickets a while ago but I am so excited to go! I've never been to anything like that but always wanted to go and this one sounds awesome.
It's almost 11:30 and I have to start to get ready at 4 for rehearsal. I might have to kiss the guy today. *Eye roll* and if I do end up switching partners, I am going to have to kiss a different guy the last weekend of the show lol. Eh, it's no biggie. I think I worry more about them like if they are comfortable with me and stuff. Tomorrow is the day Faith would have been born. Just typing that made me tear up. I am kind of relieved I will be busy cleaning like crazy and getting the house in some order because Joel, my scene partner, is coming over to go over lines on our own. I am hoping after tomorrow the depression might lift some. Everyone has baby stuff all over FB too. It's a bitter sweet thing. My psychiatrist asked what else besides the play am I doing during the day. It depends. Some days the day flies by and I can't remember why and other days, it drags. She suggested I really start focusing on adoption but there is this section in the adoption paperwork that says "her health" and I'm not sure if the bipolar or depression might prevent me from being able to adopt. Then she said that maybe I could go help kids learn to read. I said I love kids, which I do, but I also don't want to get sad when I leave. She said an animal shelter which I am allergic. Finally she recommended a food pantry which I would consider. My sister did that for a while for our church too. Maybe. I think I just want to get back to where I was and I think maybe after tomorrow, I can start to be. I sure hope so.
I don't know if I should work out tomorrow if I am cleaning the whole house. I mean that counts as working out right? I could do a 20 min workout and then clean. I have to start getting ready by 4 tomorrow too so that should give me plenty of time. I would start today but the cats have been ruining it lately so it's best when done the day of. I could do the upstairs today.. we'll see. Ok, I'm rambling.
Dustin is working so so hard to provide for us. God bless him. His birthday is the 11th. I don't think he realizes how happy I am to have him in my life and especially as my husband. I am truly blessed. There are so many temptations out there and so many people getting divorced. Heck, some people I know I did the makeup for their second marriage already. It happens but I'm glad Dustin and I have been able to get to where we are. I wonder how many people would think it isn't our child if we adopted? It's sad to me that people would be disappointed if we did that. I don't think an adopted child is any less than a biological one. There are so many kids that need good homes. Another downside is a lot of the parents want to be able to see the kids like once a year. I don't want an open adoption so when the right baby comes along, if it is God's will, then it will. Right now, Dustin and I are in a bad spot financially so that is our main focus. After that, we will see what God has in store for us.
I have to make some calls. Tomorrow, besides cleaning, I have to get my prescription and get $ out to get some dry cleaning. I have to call a disability lawyer and the therapist/psychologist. I do hope everyone is happy and healthy. This life is so precious and I hope my feeling towards it changes soon again.
It's been a while since I posted. It is hard to get my feelings out lately. My unemployment ran out so tightening the belt more until either we move or I get disability. If I get denied again for it, then job hunting I go. For now, we will be in a funk. Hopefully it won't last forever.
I am on medication and still seeing a psychiatrist. I have to find another therapist who takes our insurance. Anyway, that being said, I cried in her office yesterday for no apparent reason. I pulled myself together very quickly but inside I was thinking "ugh, just someone help me." I was telling myself STOP acting like this you big baby. What is wrong with you?!
My days seem to go by faster than before. It could be because of the play. I'm really trying to memorize my lines but then something creeps in there, in my mind and I get confused. It isn't even like a big part with lots of lines. It's one scene. They had an option to switch roles the last weekend of performances. I felt bad but I can't do it at least right now as cool as that sounds. I was like 1 of 5 or 6 that didn't want to change roles so I don't feel bad about it. I just wish I was in a different state of mind to do something cool like that.
I worked out the last couple of days but then I get to the point of eating it all back and then some. It's so bad!!! I am looking forward to the weekend which I haven't said in a long time. Actually the next two weekends. This weekend the cast of this show and the last show are getting together to do karaoke at a local place and Dustin and I are going. Dustin has a work thing first but hopefully he will get to go with me. Saturday is the Notre Dame game. We aren't going but I like to watch it on tv and maybe we can go somewhere to watch it. Sunday is the Bears game!!! I was supposed to get an evite to Stan and Mary's but nothing yet. It's no biggie. I hope we do get to meet up with them again though. Next weekend is the Chicago Symphony Orchestra for Dustin's birthday. We bought the tickets a while ago but I am so excited to go! I've never been to anything like that but always wanted to go and this one sounds awesome.
It's almost 11:30 and I have to start to get ready at 4 for rehearsal. I might have to kiss the guy today. *Eye roll* and if I do end up switching partners, I am going to have to kiss a different guy the last weekend of the show lol. Eh, it's no biggie. I think I worry more about them like if they are comfortable with me and stuff. Tomorrow is the day Faith would have been born. Just typing that made me tear up. I am kind of relieved I will be busy cleaning like crazy and getting the house in some order because Joel, my scene partner, is coming over to go over lines on our own. I am hoping after tomorrow the depression might lift some. Everyone has baby stuff all over FB too. It's a bitter sweet thing. My psychiatrist asked what else besides the play am I doing during the day. It depends. Some days the day flies by and I can't remember why and other days, it drags. She suggested I really start focusing on adoption but there is this section in the adoption paperwork that says "her health" and I'm not sure if the bipolar or depression might prevent me from being able to adopt. Then she said that maybe I could go help kids learn to read. I said I love kids, which I do, but I also don't want to get sad when I leave. She said an animal shelter which I am allergic. Finally she recommended a food pantry which I would consider. My sister did that for a while for our church too. Maybe. I think I just want to get back to where I was and I think maybe after tomorrow, I can start to be. I sure hope so.
I don't know if I should work out tomorrow if I am cleaning the whole house. I mean that counts as working out right? I could do a 20 min workout and then clean. I have to start getting ready by 4 tomorrow too so that should give me plenty of time. I would start today but the cats have been ruining it lately so it's best when done the day of. I could do the upstairs today.. we'll see. Ok, I'm rambling.
Dustin is working so so hard to provide for us. God bless him. His birthday is the 11th. I don't think he realizes how happy I am to have him in my life and especially as my husband. I am truly blessed. There are so many temptations out there and so many people getting divorced. Heck, some people I know I did the makeup for their second marriage already. It happens but I'm glad Dustin and I have been able to get to where we are. I wonder how many people would think it isn't our child if we adopted? It's sad to me that people would be disappointed if we did that. I don't think an adopted child is any less than a biological one. There are so many kids that need good homes. Another downside is a lot of the parents want to be able to see the kids like once a year. I don't want an open adoption so when the right baby comes along, if it is God's will, then it will. Right now, Dustin and I are in a bad spot financially so that is our main focus. After that, we will see what God has in store for us.
I have to make some calls. Tomorrow, besides cleaning, I have to get my prescription and get $ out to get some dry cleaning. I have to call a disability lawyer and the therapist/psychologist. I do hope everyone is happy and healthy. This life is so precious and I hope my feeling towards it changes soon again.
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