limitations
To anyone listening,
I try and clean something everyday. Sometimes I would rather be working then home all day especially cleaning. I used to love it but now I hate it. Plus, I take pain meds before I do but then I'm in so much pain after I do it that I need more pain meds. It's a vicious circle but I feel bad being at home and not doing anything. If I stop for a minute, my mind wanders to my old job or my job at MAC cosmetics and it is always either guilt for leaving or mistakes I made with handling certain situations. Does anyone else go through that?
Anyway, there is this show I used to watch called At First Sight where people would get married before they even met. A couple of couples seemed to have made it. One woman posted on FB yesterday. I RARELY read her stuff. Heck, I'm bad at reading news feeds in general. Note to friends: If I missed something major you posted, it isn't on purpose.. I just don't read the feed so feel free to just let me know like back in the good old days lol. Anyway, I was reading her status and she had a miscarriage before and now has a beautiful baby girl. It won't let me copy what she said but it was how she lost her baby boy Jonathan due to a miscarriage and how she though that after a year she would "get over it" but you never really get over it. She said more than that and a lot about how Jonathan is watching over her little baby girl. She said she wondered what Jonathan would be like and I wonder that every single day about Faith.
I was amazed that people wrote on my comment to her. They wrote directly to me. They told me I will always be a mom and that they have gone through similar things and that feeling never goes away. It will always hurt and you will always wonder. It made me believe that I'm not some freak for getting upset everyday. I often think that people are judging me like girl get over it already or a lot of people have dealt with this so move on but I just can't. Seeing her little legs move.. I dunno. It made me feel better hearing from people who understand but also worse in a way. I feel like I'm drowning. I get so bored at home and my body wants to do stuff but it just can't and I want to scream.
I have no motivation to lose weight and sometimes I find that I don't even want to. It's weird.
We have the adoption meeting on Wednesday and I see the new therapist on the 30th. Someone asked me if they would even allow us to adopt on one income. I felt like I was punched in the stomach. Daycare is so expensive so I would be a stay-at-home mom anyway but when she said it, it's like she took a little bit of my hope away that I barely have as it is. I worry about a lot of stuff like that or they might turn me down because of my physical and mental restrictions or my family who doesn't have the greatest track record. I don't have parents and they were messed up. My brother and sister have their own things. I just keep thinking about having Hope (my next daughter's name) or little Dax (my baby boy's name) and think I just want to hold them. Just to save them from whatever life they would have had. Would I make their lives better or worse?
I don't even know what I am saying anymore. I am going to try and clean the upstairs a little but I make no promises that I can do it. It's a bad health day physically and mentally. I want to see friends but the embarrassment I feel is overwhelming me. There is a clean up party at PM&L theater this weekend and I think oh I should go but then I think I will just be a sweaty fat mess and probably not be able to do it anyway. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Ok, that's it for now. I'm sure my blogs have a running theme but it is what this is for I guess. Thanks for being there for me whoever you are.
UPDATE: after looking for hours for pics of me and dustin for the adoption agency, I have decided not to clean the last two rooms of the week. screw it. lol
I try and clean something everyday. Sometimes I would rather be working then home all day especially cleaning. I used to love it but now I hate it. Plus, I take pain meds before I do but then I'm in so much pain after I do it that I need more pain meds. It's a vicious circle but I feel bad being at home and not doing anything. If I stop for a minute, my mind wanders to my old job or my job at MAC cosmetics and it is always either guilt for leaving or mistakes I made with handling certain situations. Does anyone else go through that?
Anyway, there is this show I used to watch called At First Sight where people would get married before they even met. A couple of couples seemed to have made it. One woman posted on FB yesterday. I RARELY read her stuff. Heck, I'm bad at reading news feeds in general. Note to friends: If I missed something major you posted, it isn't on purpose.. I just don't read the feed so feel free to just let me know like back in the good old days lol. Anyway, I was reading her status and she had a miscarriage before and now has a beautiful baby girl. It won't let me copy what she said but it was how she lost her baby boy Jonathan due to a miscarriage and how she though that after a year she would "get over it" but you never really get over it. She said more than that and a lot about how Jonathan is watching over her little baby girl. She said she wondered what Jonathan would be like and I wonder that every single day about Faith.
I was amazed that people wrote on my comment to her. They wrote directly to me. They told me I will always be a mom and that they have gone through similar things and that feeling never goes away. It will always hurt and you will always wonder. It made me believe that I'm not some freak for getting upset everyday. I often think that people are judging me like girl get over it already or a lot of people have dealt with this so move on but I just can't. Seeing her little legs move.. I dunno. It made me feel better hearing from people who understand but also worse in a way. I feel like I'm drowning. I get so bored at home and my body wants to do stuff but it just can't and I want to scream.
I have no motivation to lose weight and sometimes I find that I don't even want to. It's weird.
We have the adoption meeting on Wednesday and I see the new therapist on the 30th. Someone asked me if they would even allow us to adopt on one income. I felt like I was punched in the stomach. Daycare is so expensive so I would be a stay-at-home mom anyway but when she said it, it's like she took a little bit of my hope away that I barely have as it is. I worry about a lot of stuff like that or they might turn me down because of my physical and mental restrictions or my family who doesn't have the greatest track record. I don't have parents and they were messed up. My brother and sister have their own things. I just keep thinking about having Hope (my next daughter's name) or little Dax (my baby boy's name) and think I just want to hold them. Just to save them from whatever life they would have had. Would I make their lives better or worse?
I don't even know what I am saying anymore. I am going to try and clean the upstairs a little but I make no promises that I can do it. It's a bad health day physically and mentally. I want to see friends but the embarrassment I feel is overwhelming me. There is a clean up party at PM&L theater this weekend and I think oh I should go but then I think I will just be a sweaty fat mess and probably not be able to do it anyway. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Ok, that's it for now. I'm sure my blogs have a running theme but it is what this is for I guess. Thanks for being there for me whoever you are.
UPDATE: after looking for hours for pics of me and dustin for the adoption agency, I have decided not to clean the last two rooms of the week. screw it. lol
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