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To anyone listening,

I'm so torn.  We want to continue the adoption process now and I don't know if my doctors will agree that I am physically and mentally capable.  I think there is a part of me that is terrified that they may not agree I'm ready and that it might not happen and if it were to be because of that.. I would never stop blaming myself.

Think positive, right?  I just want to see my life 5 years from now to know what will happen.  What happiness will become of my life. 

I have nothing else to do but pray.

I am reminding myself that true friends are there for me.  Everyone else can figure out the person they are.  Really think about it. 

Is it my loss or gain?  Their loss or their gain?  I'm thinking it is my gain.

Either I'm supported in my endeavors or I do it all on my own.  

Dustin and I celebrate 12 years of marriage this month and I can't believe I deserve half of what he does to take care of us and to love me.  I really so badly want to believe I deserve it.  I am better than I think I am.  It is just that sometimes things in your mind cut you so deep that it is hard to believe.

I kept going back and forth in my mind about adoption and I always have an excuse or an alternative life.. in the end.. I keep hearing "you should be a mom."

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