Blog #2 It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to
To anyone listening,
Ok.. I am not writing this to put anyone down or because I have been dwelling on it. Honestly I am writing it because I need to get some feelings written out about the whole subject and my feelings right now and how to properly handle everything. Plus people have been asking me questions about where she is and everything so...
Recently.. well a few months ago, my best friend and I stopped talking. Now, as most of you know, we were extremely close for many years. Unfortunately, most people aren't willing to talk to me about things before it gets really bad and certain things could have been avoided. I think it is hurtful if someone leaves your life easily who said they did think of you so closely but push you so far away.
I want to stress this.. I wish her NOTHING but happiness and joy in her future for her and her husband. I will never stop praying for her and her family. For me, there is no resentment towards her. I have had issues and lost friendships with other people but I do not consider this having the same outcome and effect. I feel like we had two different perspectives and in the end, that was it. She has since ignored my texts and my email and it is her right to do so. It is unfortunate that we can not have an actual conversation about this. I tried to by asking questions first when we were "talking" but was ignored. Perspectives during emotional times are very different. We have been going through some emotional pain and issues and I believe it has caused us to both focus on ourselves at times, which is fine, but maybe emotions took over with the whole thing. Mine and maybe hers. I do not want to speak for her in those regards.
I will also say that I have always been a quality over quantity type of person. You can be in my life for 30 years but if you are not the friend I was hoping you were or I am not the friend you need, then time doesn't matter. A title doesn't matter. Same with family. I usually hope to work it out but sometimes it doesn't happen. People are hurt. People have their own perspective of the truth and that's that sometimes. People may think 1 person should take all the blame before issues can be resolved and well... I've never seen that work out. What matters is the person you are or a situation that occurred. There are two sides to every story. I can honestly say that sometimes people, including myself at times, don't even understand what they did wrong but trust me, there is something that both people did in most cases. I tend to think everything is my fault though. That's bad too! If I say sorry, some people have taken it as me taking all the blame and that's not fair. Again, this isn't her specifically, this is just past experiences with arguments with people. I hate having to say that after a statement but otherwise people freak out.
I think assumptions can be a huge factor in arguments. Breaking down what someone said into what you believe they meant. Take texts and emails for example, heck even FB posts.. can be taken incorrectly. You can put your own tone into words. I can say I'm not a huge fan of red meat and I can seriously hear it said 4 different ways in my head right now when all I meant was a casual, I'm not a huge fan of red meat. UGH. Sometimes by phone or in person are way better but what do you do when someone doesn't want to really talk to you and be honest about those issues? I'm not sure. If I ask what you meant, just tell me. Better to ask then assume, right?
In March, I was in an inpatient ward. Now I have been having bipolar issues for about 30 years and have always had depression issues however since I had this miscarriage, my depression escalated to a degree I never knew would exist. As my therapist said, it is ok to be "selfish" when you need people during your worse. During that time, I felt bad about people trying to help me because I felt I was messing with their lives and their plans so I would say things like "I won't tell you if I am upset again" because I didn't want people to have to worry or deal with me. I wanted to protect them from my issues. They might have just wanted to be there to help but I just felt bad or they were doing it because they had to whether a vibe I got or whatever instead of wanting to. That's a big difference for me. My brain struggles with everything is my fault and I don't want to bother people but I know I do. While I was going through the time around the inpatient, I didn't even know what I was saying. All I knew was that I didn't want to bother anyone but at the same time really needed people. I was very emotional and still can be. There is no time limit as to when I will "get over" my depression and there shouldn't be. Most people can feel that way forever. Luckily I have a very wise therapist who has told me that it was ok to be that way or else I think I would be in a REALLY bad state right now in general.
Ok, so everyone has things they are going through. Absolutely. They are valid. However, I was comforted by friends, family, my husband, and my therapist about my feelings. Some played devil's advocate as well and some just said it didn't matter what was going on, if you need me, I'm there. In this case however, I felt like I was just waiting for a decision of, ok I'm ready to talk to you again. Are you over your depression so I can handle you too? I don't think that was fair. I can say, yeah I did make my feelings and wanting the truth "all about me." Sure. I needed a friend. I felt there was a time frame that I had to get better by before there was communication again. I didn't realize it was only me being avoided and that was when it hurt. My depression was being avoided because of what they dealt with by having it around. My depression shouldn't be something that focuses on them and what they have to handle by talking to me about it.. that seems really weird.
Actions speak louder than words. Not saying the exact word of burden (or saying it) or something like that but then acting like I am, well.. there ya go. Avoiding answering some texts because it was all about me apparently... ALL I wanted was the truth. I didn't get it. Being ignored and basically put on the back burner because of what I was going through and having to just wait around until they could deal with me too.. well, that to me isn't friendship. I was told by others too including my therapist that that wasn't ok. I have gone through plenty of hard times but can still be there for people. I have one friend who was going through hell during a very very hard time in her life but when I had a bad day, she dropped it all to say she was there for me.
I'm not saying people don't have a right to think 'AHH this is all too much and I need a break from everything.' It was about it specifically being me, about my depression, about me being the one thing they took a break from.
My therapist said it is ok to be selfish sometimes. When you are going through hell and you just need to talk, it is ok. I shouldn't be concerned with how I say something when I have about a billion different feelings in one day.
Do I require a lot emotionally from people? Yes. Is it a flaw I am working on? Yes. However.. this is me. It has been me. Not to quote a cheesy meme but if you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best. The last thing I need now is to be ignored or lied to by someone's actions. Again, I said actions not words.. well not words completely.
A lot of my life has been "my weakest moment." I know. This is all very new to me (this kind of depression). These emotions.
I knew, in my heart, my depression was something that was going to bite me in the butt and I was too concerned about that and about other people until someone said "be selfish. it's ok."
I have seen her say yes to people a lot when she shouldn't have. It causes lots of stress. In my mind, telling her no was going to help. I guess I felt there was going to be a limit she could handle, hoping there wasn't with me and I guess there was.
We were there for each other through different times. I defended her when needed and she held my hand when I cried. I am more emotional outwardly while she has always tried to be strong. It doesn't mean she was ok emotionally just because she acted like it on the outside which in itself can be dangerous. It always worries me when people hold back emotions or bury them deep down. I'm not saying she buried them necessarily, I am just speaking in general about that. Again, here I am watching every single word I say because it can be taken wrong or someone can take something aimed at them. UGH. It's exhausting.
I posted something on my old FB for my friend Valerie about people and friendships and some woman at the theater thought it was directed at her which was crazy. See?? Craziness!!!! Dude, if you "take" something I post wrong or directed at you or with a specific tone then ask me or look at yourself and wonder why you might think that way... Sorry, that has just been ticking me off a LOT lately. However if I ask you about something I might have taken wrong, answer me please. At least I am asking first. sigh.
Like I said, there are two sides to every story. No one is "right" and we can all find people to back us up with our feelings.
I guess what I am thinking now is that it is ok for me to be selfish right now sometimes. Not always but sometimes. I shouldn't worry about what I am saying when it comes to my depression and venting and questions and thoughts. There is no time limit and no maximum to handle someone or their questions during depression or hard times.
I love her. I love my friends and my family. I take the blame too often and I shouldn't be. I know that what I did was all I could do. In the end, I truly felt what I was doing, I did it for her too. Again, people can take things any way they want. I wasn't capable to be ignored or pushed to the side for a while. I don't think I should ever be honestly when it comes to someone that loves me.
I am thankful for my friends and family that have been there for me. I am thankful for the times she was for me.
I just don't need to change myself right now, my emotions, or deal with other people's limits or taking a break from just me. As a side note, I think it is very childish to not be my friend (when someone makes me believe they were my family too or whatever) because I am having issues with a mutual friend. We are all too old for that. I mean, come on. It's annoying to even have to say that.
I need people to call if I need to. I'm doing much better everyday. No matter who I have lost in my life, there is nothing but the best I want for them. I have had some amazing people step forward or take the time to make with me. It is crazy. I am so thankful!!! I have really needed that and it helps me every time I have a break down. You have no idea. Thank you.
I am thankful for her friendship when it was great and always will be thankful.
I don't want to apologize to anyone reading if my depression was/is an inconvenience. I am realizing I don't have to be. I'm going to be ok. Day by day.
Sorry for all of the quotation marks, my therapist statements, and repeating myself. I'm just saying whatever pops into my head. It's a blog. lol.
Thank you for listening and to those I know who are reading this that have shown me nothing but love and patience. I know that can be hard. Thank you.
Love to all. Now and always.
Ok.. I am not writing this to put anyone down or because I have been dwelling on it. Honestly I am writing it because I need to get some feelings written out about the whole subject and my feelings right now and how to properly handle everything. Plus people have been asking me questions about where she is and everything so...
Recently.. well a few months ago, my best friend and I stopped talking. Now, as most of you know, we were extremely close for many years. Unfortunately, most people aren't willing to talk to me about things before it gets really bad and certain things could have been avoided. I think it is hurtful if someone leaves your life easily who said they did think of you so closely but push you so far away.
I want to stress this.. I wish her NOTHING but happiness and joy in her future for her and her husband. I will never stop praying for her and her family. For me, there is no resentment towards her. I have had issues and lost friendships with other people but I do not consider this having the same outcome and effect. I feel like we had two different perspectives and in the end, that was it. She has since ignored my texts and my email and it is her right to do so. It is unfortunate that we can not have an actual conversation about this. I tried to by asking questions first when we were "talking" but was ignored. Perspectives during emotional times are very different. We have been going through some emotional pain and issues and I believe it has caused us to both focus on ourselves at times, which is fine, but maybe emotions took over with the whole thing. Mine and maybe hers. I do not want to speak for her in those regards.
I will also say that I have always been a quality over quantity type of person. You can be in my life for 30 years but if you are not the friend I was hoping you were or I am not the friend you need, then time doesn't matter. A title doesn't matter. Same with family. I usually hope to work it out but sometimes it doesn't happen. People are hurt. People have their own perspective of the truth and that's that sometimes. People may think 1 person should take all the blame before issues can be resolved and well... I've never seen that work out. What matters is the person you are or a situation that occurred. There are two sides to every story. I can honestly say that sometimes people, including myself at times, don't even understand what they did wrong but trust me, there is something that both people did in most cases. I tend to think everything is my fault though. That's bad too! If I say sorry, some people have taken it as me taking all the blame and that's not fair. Again, this isn't her specifically, this is just past experiences with arguments with people. I hate having to say that after a statement but otherwise people freak out.
I think assumptions can be a huge factor in arguments. Breaking down what someone said into what you believe they meant. Take texts and emails for example, heck even FB posts.. can be taken incorrectly. You can put your own tone into words. I can say I'm not a huge fan of red meat and I can seriously hear it said 4 different ways in my head right now when all I meant was a casual, I'm not a huge fan of red meat. UGH. Sometimes by phone or in person are way better but what do you do when someone doesn't want to really talk to you and be honest about those issues? I'm not sure. If I ask what you meant, just tell me. Better to ask then assume, right?
In March, I was in an inpatient ward. Now I have been having bipolar issues for about 30 years and have always had depression issues however since I had this miscarriage, my depression escalated to a degree I never knew would exist. As my therapist said, it is ok to be "selfish" when you need people during your worse. During that time, I felt bad about people trying to help me because I felt I was messing with their lives and their plans so I would say things like "I won't tell you if I am upset again" because I didn't want people to have to worry or deal with me. I wanted to protect them from my issues. They might have just wanted to be there to help but I just felt bad or they were doing it because they had to whether a vibe I got or whatever instead of wanting to. That's a big difference for me. My brain struggles with everything is my fault and I don't want to bother people but I know I do. While I was going through the time around the inpatient, I didn't even know what I was saying. All I knew was that I didn't want to bother anyone but at the same time really needed people. I was very emotional and still can be. There is no time limit as to when I will "get over" my depression and there shouldn't be. Most people can feel that way forever. Luckily I have a very wise therapist who has told me that it was ok to be that way or else I think I would be in a REALLY bad state right now in general.
Ok, so everyone has things they are going through. Absolutely. They are valid. However, I was comforted by friends, family, my husband, and my therapist about my feelings. Some played devil's advocate as well and some just said it didn't matter what was going on, if you need me, I'm there. In this case however, I felt like I was just waiting for a decision of, ok I'm ready to talk to you again. Are you over your depression so I can handle you too? I don't think that was fair. I can say, yeah I did make my feelings and wanting the truth "all about me." Sure. I needed a friend. I felt there was a time frame that I had to get better by before there was communication again. I didn't realize it was only me being avoided and that was when it hurt. My depression was being avoided because of what they dealt with by having it around. My depression shouldn't be something that focuses on them and what they have to handle by talking to me about it.. that seems really weird.
Actions speak louder than words. Not saying the exact word of burden (or saying it) or something like that but then acting like I am, well.. there ya go. Avoiding answering some texts because it was all about me apparently... ALL I wanted was the truth. I didn't get it. Being ignored and basically put on the back burner because of what I was going through and having to just wait around until they could deal with me too.. well, that to me isn't friendship. I was told by others too including my therapist that that wasn't ok. I have gone through plenty of hard times but can still be there for people. I have one friend who was going through hell during a very very hard time in her life but when I had a bad day, she dropped it all to say she was there for me.
I'm not saying people don't have a right to think 'AHH this is all too much and I need a break from everything.' It was about it specifically being me, about my depression, about me being the one thing they took a break from.
My therapist said it is ok to be selfish sometimes. When you are going through hell and you just need to talk, it is ok. I shouldn't be concerned with how I say something when I have about a billion different feelings in one day.
Do I require a lot emotionally from people? Yes. Is it a flaw I am working on? Yes. However.. this is me. It has been me. Not to quote a cheesy meme but if you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best. The last thing I need now is to be ignored or lied to by someone's actions. Again, I said actions not words.. well not words completely.
A lot of my life has been "my weakest moment." I know. This is all very new to me (this kind of depression). These emotions.
I knew, in my heart, my depression was something that was going to bite me in the butt and I was too concerned about that and about other people until someone said "be selfish. it's ok."
I have seen her say yes to people a lot when she shouldn't have. It causes lots of stress. In my mind, telling her no was going to help. I guess I felt there was going to be a limit she could handle, hoping there wasn't with me and I guess there was.
We were there for each other through different times. I defended her when needed and she held my hand when I cried. I am more emotional outwardly while she has always tried to be strong. It doesn't mean she was ok emotionally just because she acted like it on the outside which in itself can be dangerous. It always worries me when people hold back emotions or bury them deep down. I'm not saying she buried them necessarily, I am just speaking in general about that. Again, here I am watching every single word I say because it can be taken wrong or someone can take something aimed at them. UGH. It's exhausting.
I posted something on my old FB for my friend Valerie about people and friendships and some woman at the theater thought it was directed at her which was crazy. See?? Craziness!!!! Dude, if you "take" something I post wrong or directed at you or with a specific tone then ask me or look at yourself and wonder why you might think that way... Sorry, that has just been ticking me off a LOT lately. However if I ask you about something I might have taken wrong, answer me please. At least I am asking first. sigh.
Like I said, there are two sides to every story. No one is "right" and we can all find people to back us up with our feelings.
I guess what I am thinking now is that it is ok for me to be selfish right now sometimes. Not always but sometimes. I shouldn't worry about what I am saying when it comes to my depression and venting and questions and thoughts. There is no time limit and no maximum to handle someone or their questions during depression or hard times.
I love her. I love my friends and my family. I take the blame too often and I shouldn't be. I know that what I did was all I could do. In the end, I truly felt what I was doing, I did it for her too. Again, people can take things any way they want. I wasn't capable to be ignored or pushed to the side for a while. I don't think I should ever be honestly when it comes to someone that loves me.
I am thankful for my friends and family that have been there for me. I am thankful for the times she was for me.
I just don't need to change myself right now, my emotions, or deal with other people's limits or taking a break from just me. As a side note, I think it is very childish to not be my friend (when someone makes me believe they were my family too or whatever) because I am having issues with a mutual friend. We are all too old for that. I mean, come on. It's annoying to even have to say that.
I need people to call if I need to. I'm doing much better everyday. No matter who I have lost in my life, there is nothing but the best I want for them. I have had some amazing people step forward or take the time to make with me. It is crazy. I am so thankful!!! I have really needed that and it helps me every time I have a break down. You have no idea. Thank you.
I am thankful for her friendship when it was great and always will be thankful.
I don't want to apologize to anyone reading if my depression was/is an inconvenience. I am realizing I don't have to be. I'm going to be ok. Day by day.
Sorry for all of the quotation marks, my therapist statements, and repeating myself. I'm just saying whatever pops into my head. It's a blog. lol.
Thank you for listening and to those I know who are reading this that have shown me nothing but love and patience. I know that can be hard. Thank you.
Love to all. Now and always.
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