Next step Blog #1 for today
To anyone listening,
Well, after all the stops and starts (everyone sing the song.. after all the stops and starts we keep coming back to these 2 hearts..), we have decided to foster to adopt. Besides it being much more affordable, I found out that you can pick the age range you want to foster. That REALLY changed things for me. I didn't want to foster because of my past with foster homes, etc etc. Long story. Aren't all of my stories long? Lol. BUT that changed everything!!!
I wanted to name our future daughter Hope. There are a lot of reasons why. Here is what I realized about hope. Once the talk of fostering came up, I started looking for old furniture as DIY projects and some clothes from Goodwill to prepare for it all. We have to have a crib and stuff for the home study because of the age we want to foster. Which btw we can change the age range at any time which is cool. We might down the road. It takes about 3-12 months to get through the whole process to become a foster parent but not being contacted by the case worker yet is making me lean towards 12 at this point. lol Anyway, so I started "nesting" and realizing that I was putting a verse about hope on things. A friend of ours wrote a blog about hope and the verse she referenced really solidified what I was already feeling about that word. So, I started to tell Dustin about how I still have stuffed animals my "good" foster home gave me and if I have a child I really connect with, I will give them the stuffed animals. I always planned to give them to my daughter but after this decision, it just felt right. I wanted to give the children something they might hold on to from us. I was looking into a woman who makes onesies with whatever phrase you want on them, and I was going to put that verse about hope and when we give the child back, we will give them back in that onesie. You can also chose if you want the child to have the same religion as you just in case people were like, oh no you can't put religious stuff on there! It's safe :) I hope, even if one of the children keep the onesie, that they can look at us as the "good" foster home too.
I felt bad because we changed our minds, what feels like, a 100 times about kids, adopting, fostering to adopt... but my friend said I basically shouldn't care what other people think about it and she's right. The time started ticking the older we got, those passing conversations became "ummm we have to decide like now." I know we have to give the children back to the biological parents (unless we are lucky enough to be able to adopt one). It will hurt. I know. I thought and think about that A LOTTTTTT!!!!! I also thought about "what if I never get a daughter? What does hope mean then?" I think it means giving hope to children in general. I hope that's what we can give. I have this sixth sense I guess about people. I can usually tell if someone is "faking" their kindness but are actually bad people. That kills me because what if one of the parents are like that? I can't do anything about it either but give my opinion. I think my opinion would be based more on the child's progress though. It would be really hard. My dad put on a really good, fake personality to get us back and he didn't change when we got home. That is NOT what I want for these kids!!! All I can do is give them a memory. The memories I had about my good foster family. Without them, who knows how I would be. They gave me hope that I was more than what I thought. That happiness is possible. I aimed for that in my life and I found the right husband for me and a place to call home. I'm not scared here. I'm not scared when I hear him pull up the driveway. I'm not punished when I mess up or when I fail. I don't have to hide in my bedroom everyday. Could we have had it worse when I was a kid? HECK YEAH. But that doesn't mean it was good. I have to accept that too. It's ok to be upset about it all.
I can go on and on. hahaha. That's me!
P.s. It is soooo freaky when Dustin ordered something on Amazon from his phone or looked at a website but I get notified on my computer... weird!!!! Btw, please ignore my HORRIBLE grammar. I basically just write without focusing on it. It is just something I don't need to worry about.
To those that read this just looking for gossip, I ask that you be a real loving person in my life and understand that a blog is to let real feelings out to true and honest friends and for myself. I have and still do watch what I say on here and it still hurts me. It is my choice but I have to protect other people now. It's a whole thing so for those of you that love me and accept me for who I am, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For those of you that don't and are judgemental... why? I think anyone can be judged for how they feel or what they are going through but it isn't right to do so. I'm not always perfect about that of course but please don't chose to read this for that reason. I love you all for taking the time to sign up and care enough to read this. It means a lot to me. Of course you are a friend because you know about this blog so again, I appreciate it. I still have moments of depression and as my therapist said (I hate saying "my therapist said" or "my therapist thinks" because I feel so silly lol), that might never go away and it's ok. It doesn't mean I shouldn't foster or adopt. Actually she said, I would probably love those children even more. I thought I wasn't ready and she assured me that I am more than I think I am. My therapist also told me there are two different kinds of people: those who let emotions out and those who keep them in. She said it is better to let them out. If it means I cry for an hour, that's ok. Usually people keep it in to please other people or avoid their judgement. Don't worry, I don't plan to bust out crying in front of foster kids. Actually I will probably be smiling ear to ear. After they leave is a totally different story. She said it will be ok to be very sad when they leave too. I think a lot of who I am is to share and cry and let the feelings out because I was taught it was healthy (not taught from my dad but other people). As I grew older and surrounded myself with certain people, I started to close up more and more and stop myself because that's what I SHOULD do. That isn't true. I am worried about what society thinks or what other people I know think instead of choosing to be healthy. It is something I am working on again. I have my moments where I bust out crying in the shower or in the car. There was this song I played for the baby when she wasn't growing called "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush. You NEVER hear that song. Well, whatever random station they have in the therapist's waiting room, sometimes play that song. Tears roll down my cheeks and then someone walks in and I pretend I am looking for something in my purse. I told my therapist and jokingly asked if it was some weird test. She just said, if I ever need to go in her office and cry for 45 minutes, it's ok. I just needed someone to say that... if I need to just cry with them in the room and that's it, it's ok. She has a time limit of 45 minutes but if she didn't, she said there should never be a time limit of how long you can cry from someone that loves you. I have to realize that I need to surround myself with more people that say or act like there is no time limit. I have two amazing friends right now that I can say that about. If they ever needed the same, I would let them. There is no time limit. No judgement.
I do love my therapist because I can text her 24/7 without additional charges and talk to her about anything if I need her. She is very wise with her words and it helps me tremendously. It has helped me in my marriage too. I need to learn to stand on my own and not "need" someone in an unhealthy way. We are working on that and self esteem. I told her... well, that could take a while.
I was recently in another show and it was a comedy One Act. That is my last show there. There was some odd drama with one of the women there so unfortunately I would feel weird to return but it was a great beginners experience. I just need to try other theaters too. It is way too easy to become comfortable in one place and not leave. I probably needed this to open my world to new places. Anyway, in this show, I was able to use my own facial expressions and things. Luckily my director thought they were funny so she only changed one very slightly. I received several compliments and one from my old director that just amazed me. My therapist asked me, if I had to write a review about my performance, what would it say. ALL I thought about was the negative. Plus, I think about drama following me but sometimes I wonder if it follows me then isn't it me that probably causes it? Other times I think, well I guess you need to weed out some people to have a healthier life. Maybe they needed to weed me out too. Who knows but in every situation there is a lesson to learn. Anyway, let's just say as far as self esteem, my therapist has a lot of work ahead of her. Even when she compliments how I see things and talk about people and things, I still focus on things I said wrong. It's a mess.
So, in the end, there is hope. Hope for the future. Hope for a better life. Hope for better people in it. Hope for love and acceptance. Hope that Dustin and I will be positive influences for a child. Hope that I can love as openly as I want without judgement. To those that might need to hear it, never give up hope. You are stronger than you think you are. Hope.
Well, after all the stops and starts (everyone sing the song.. after all the stops and starts we keep coming back to these 2 hearts..), we have decided to foster to adopt. Besides it being much more affordable, I found out that you can pick the age range you want to foster. That REALLY changed things for me. I didn't want to foster because of my past with foster homes, etc etc. Long story. Aren't all of my stories long? Lol. BUT that changed everything!!!
I wanted to name our future daughter Hope. There are a lot of reasons why. Here is what I realized about hope. Once the talk of fostering came up, I started looking for old furniture as DIY projects and some clothes from Goodwill to prepare for it all. We have to have a crib and stuff for the home study because of the age we want to foster. Which btw we can change the age range at any time which is cool. We might down the road. It takes about 3-12 months to get through the whole process to become a foster parent but not being contacted by the case worker yet is making me lean towards 12 at this point. lol Anyway, so I started "nesting" and realizing that I was putting a verse about hope on things. A friend of ours wrote a blog about hope and the verse she referenced really solidified what I was already feeling about that word. So, I started to tell Dustin about how I still have stuffed animals my "good" foster home gave me and if I have a child I really connect with, I will give them the stuffed animals. I always planned to give them to my daughter but after this decision, it just felt right. I wanted to give the children something they might hold on to from us. I was looking into a woman who makes onesies with whatever phrase you want on them, and I was going to put that verse about hope and when we give the child back, we will give them back in that onesie. You can also chose if you want the child to have the same religion as you just in case people were like, oh no you can't put religious stuff on there! It's safe :) I hope, even if one of the children keep the onesie, that they can look at us as the "good" foster home too.
I felt bad because we changed our minds, what feels like, a 100 times about kids, adopting, fostering to adopt... but my friend said I basically shouldn't care what other people think about it and she's right. The time started ticking the older we got, those passing conversations became "ummm we have to decide like now." I know we have to give the children back to the biological parents (unless we are lucky enough to be able to adopt one). It will hurt. I know. I thought and think about that A LOTTTTTT!!!!! I also thought about "what if I never get a daughter? What does hope mean then?" I think it means giving hope to children in general. I hope that's what we can give. I have this sixth sense I guess about people. I can usually tell if someone is "faking" their kindness but are actually bad people. That kills me because what if one of the parents are like that? I can't do anything about it either but give my opinion. I think my opinion would be based more on the child's progress though. It would be really hard. My dad put on a really good, fake personality to get us back and he didn't change when we got home. That is NOT what I want for these kids!!! All I can do is give them a memory. The memories I had about my good foster family. Without them, who knows how I would be. They gave me hope that I was more than what I thought. That happiness is possible. I aimed for that in my life and I found the right husband for me and a place to call home. I'm not scared here. I'm not scared when I hear him pull up the driveway. I'm not punished when I mess up or when I fail. I don't have to hide in my bedroom everyday. Could we have had it worse when I was a kid? HECK YEAH. But that doesn't mean it was good. I have to accept that too. It's ok to be upset about it all.
I can go on and on. hahaha. That's me!
P.s. It is soooo freaky when Dustin ordered something on Amazon from his phone or looked at a website but I get notified on my computer... weird!!!! Btw, please ignore my HORRIBLE grammar. I basically just write without focusing on it. It is just something I don't need to worry about.
To those that read this just looking for gossip, I ask that you be a real loving person in my life and understand that a blog is to let real feelings out to true and honest friends and for myself. I have and still do watch what I say on here and it still hurts me. It is my choice but I have to protect other people now. It's a whole thing so for those of you that love me and accept me for who I am, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For those of you that don't and are judgemental... why? I think anyone can be judged for how they feel or what they are going through but it isn't right to do so. I'm not always perfect about that of course but please don't chose to read this for that reason. I love you all for taking the time to sign up and care enough to read this. It means a lot to me. Of course you are a friend because you know about this blog so again, I appreciate it. I still have moments of depression and as my therapist said (I hate saying "my therapist said" or "my therapist thinks" because I feel so silly lol), that might never go away and it's ok. It doesn't mean I shouldn't foster or adopt. Actually she said, I would probably love those children even more. I thought I wasn't ready and she assured me that I am more than I think I am. My therapist also told me there are two different kinds of people: those who let emotions out and those who keep them in. She said it is better to let them out. If it means I cry for an hour, that's ok. Usually people keep it in to please other people or avoid their judgement. Don't worry, I don't plan to bust out crying in front of foster kids. Actually I will probably be smiling ear to ear. After they leave is a totally different story. She said it will be ok to be very sad when they leave too. I think a lot of who I am is to share and cry and let the feelings out because I was taught it was healthy (not taught from my dad but other people). As I grew older and surrounded myself with certain people, I started to close up more and more and stop myself because that's what I SHOULD do. That isn't true. I am worried about what society thinks or what other people I know think instead of choosing to be healthy. It is something I am working on again. I have my moments where I bust out crying in the shower or in the car. There was this song I played for the baby when she wasn't growing called "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush. You NEVER hear that song. Well, whatever random station they have in the therapist's waiting room, sometimes play that song. Tears roll down my cheeks and then someone walks in and I pretend I am looking for something in my purse. I told my therapist and jokingly asked if it was some weird test. She just said, if I ever need to go in her office and cry for 45 minutes, it's ok. I just needed someone to say that... if I need to just cry with them in the room and that's it, it's ok. She has a time limit of 45 minutes but if she didn't, she said there should never be a time limit of how long you can cry from someone that loves you. I have to realize that I need to surround myself with more people that say or act like there is no time limit. I have two amazing friends right now that I can say that about. If they ever needed the same, I would let them. There is no time limit. No judgement.
I do love my therapist because I can text her 24/7 without additional charges and talk to her about anything if I need her. She is very wise with her words and it helps me tremendously. It has helped me in my marriage too. I need to learn to stand on my own and not "need" someone in an unhealthy way. We are working on that and self esteem. I told her... well, that could take a while.
I was recently in another show and it was a comedy One Act. That is my last show there. There was some odd drama with one of the women there so unfortunately I would feel weird to return but it was a great beginners experience. I just need to try other theaters too. It is way too easy to become comfortable in one place and not leave. I probably needed this to open my world to new places. Anyway, in this show, I was able to use my own facial expressions and things. Luckily my director thought they were funny so she only changed one very slightly. I received several compliments and one from my old director that just amazed me. My therapist asked me, if I had to write a review about my performance, what would it say. ALL I thought about was the negative. Plus, I think about drama following me but sometimes I wonder if it follows me then isn't it me that probably causes it? Other times I think, well I guess you need to weed out some people to have a healthier life. Maybe they needed to weed me out too. Who knows but in every situation there is a lesson to learn. Anyway, let's just say as far as self esteem, my therapist has a lot of work ahead of her. Even when she compliments how I see things and talk about people and things, I still focus on things I said wrong. It's a mess.
So, in the end, there is hope. Hope for the future. Hope for a better life. Hope for better people in it. Hope for love and acceptance. Hope that Dustin and I will be positive influences for a child. Hope that I can love as openly as I want without judgement. To those that might need to hear it, never give up hope. You are stronger than you think you are. Hope.
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