Sometimes..

To anyone listening,

I decided to come back. I think I need to keep writing. At least for myself. That's who I'm writing for anyway.

Sometimes I have things in my Amazon cart I need to buy. Sometimes I think of my friends who are missionaries in Haiti that are thankful for a shelf in a classroom. Sometimes I complain that they ran out of my favorite waffles at the store. Sometimes I think about how people cry for clean water. Sometimes I wonder if I will go to heaven. Sometimes I wonder how giving 1 dollar to the salvation army can make me feel deep inside that I did this great thing that I should go now. Sometimes I think about my abusive father who gave too. I wonder.

There are so many things that make me wonder if there is a God. And there are so many things that remind me there is. People have been blessed with clean water when it's hard. God brings someone in. He gave me so much. He gave me a dream last night that Dustin's fingernails were painted red with sparkles and he said our youngest put it on him. I did wake up sad and longing. I thought, how can God give me a dream I do desperately wish was true. Then I wonder. Will God bring us a Foster baby who will do that and I will realize what a "dream" that would be. Sometimes..

Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and sometimes I'm happy to leave it there. God brought me one of my closest friends from the psych ward. God brought back an old friend from our bond over pain. God brought one of my best friends who isn't the best at responding 😉 back to save my life. God brought me old friends to say "How are you?" to me each morning. God gave me a husband to. . There aren't enough words. God gave me.

On the days I feel lost or broke, I don't usually see what's right in front of me. I do still get this feeling of "why God?!" when bad things happen. Sometimes. .

Do I still pray for answers, pray for help, pray for others.. Yes..yes to it all. But sometimes I just need a hug. Sometimes..

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