Hey, it's me again
To whoever is listening,
I've been really sad again the last couple weeks. Crying all of the time. I'm not sure why. I wrote a letter to my sister about something that happened in the past between us that I always felt the blame for that looking back I think "wait, why was that all of my fault" so I wrote her explaining where I am now and why I feel I need to add to my initial response. It wasn't out of anger but because I needed to say, wait a second Debbie.. why was this all your fault? Her response back was, let's say, not exactly what I was hoping for and the end kind of changed the subject. I was hurt. I didn't know how to reply. I still don't and I still haven't. She wrote a few days later saying she was thinking about me and that she loved me. I know, in my family, emotions are very very high. We don't hide them or keep them down. If they are there, they are coming out. People say that's healthier while others think it's just rocking a boat so everyone can still talk. Wouldn't it be better to get it out there then live a fake life? Why does blood make you family? Why can't family be truly "always there for you" because they aren't always REALLY there for you if there is an emotional wall. You are expected to say certain things or act a certain way. My family is sarcastic and jokes around. I still feel bad and tell this to Dustin WAY too often but I was at Matt and Lori's (Dustin's Uncle and Aunts) and everyone was saying, oh it was such a great meal and stuff. It TOTALLY was but I said, eh, it's alright. I felt like I just stabbed someone in the room. No one got the joke. That is how my family jokes around. My sister thought it was hilarious. I spent the rest of the night either apologizing to what seemed like deaf ears or freaking out about it and obviously still freaking out about it. IT WAS A JOKE!!! I wanted to scream it but in his family, you don't do that. In my family, we do. To me, it's a way of saying, you're my family. It's all so weird to me and my family is weird in itself. My therapist has said, several times, that I have to learn that everything isn't my fault. I had to stop apologizing. The more I apologize, the more I sound like I am taking full blame and the more I let someone think I'm weak. I'm realizing that I say sorry too much and I expect too much of people and if they fail me, I assume I'm unlovable. I'm not sure how to fix that last part yet and I'm working on the first. I also wrote my brother. My brother has a very.. oh boy.. it's hard to explain my brother. But the last time we talked he commented that I don't know anything about fostering because I haven't even had a kid yet. That destroyed me and I was so angry!! All I said was, Brian trust me, you don't want to go there. His response was that he knows about fosters because he is the Godfather to fosters and have donated. I could have gone on and on. You have no idea. BUT I was silent. He likes to give a "list" of reasons why he is happy.. about his job, his donations, his new marriage, his degrees, etc. My thoughts were going insane. Instead, I started to fight and just became silent to not start anything else. To my brother it meant, he won and he is happy and I'm not. Done. To me, it meant I won't stoop to his level and I don't need to prove I'm happy. We ended with some interesting words and him saying "I love you" which to me means, now he can tell all of his friends, "See, I was still nice and just trying to having a conversation. She was the one acting crazy." Stop. Thoughts. Tears. Anger. Stop. What I wanted to REALLY say was, Brian remember that tape I found of you dressing up his friend's brother and sister in very inappropriate clothes rubbing on each other (do not read the rest if you don't want to hear vulgarity) and saying "Fill me with your warm cream." IS THAT OK TO YOU?!?!? You are around children?!?!? AHHHHHHHHH. You know what he told me when he saw me watching it was (he stopped it) "Isn't that funny?" Isn't that funny?!?! You sick sick monster. I don't say it to him but man, do I still have hatred inside for him over it and that is poison for me. I don't like using the word hatred because it is insanely strong but yes, hatred. The moment I saw that, my brother was nothing but blood related. I tried. Man, I've tried. I have tried to keep him in my life even though he puts me down continously. I was used to it. I was used to being put down and anyone saying otherwise, to me, are lying because I am worth nothing. Nothing. A waste of air. I was told that so often by my father and brother that it became truth. I am still scared to think otherwise of myself. People have left my life and HATE me, actually HATE me. I never wanted that. How could I stop it? I wanted to stop it. I never meant any harm to anyone but yeah, I understand. I'm worthless anyway. There is something about me keeping people around like my brother, and trying so long with my father, because I desperately need them to be the ones to say they were wrong and I am worth something because they tore me down. I need to hear them say it so I chase and take it over and over. I'm so tired. So beaten down. So.. hurt. So..alone. So...nothing.
My therapist said my brother has a dog like personality. He barks and bites until the other one backs down and he takes it as he's won. So, this week, I decided to bark back. Whenever I bark back, people tend to walk away from me. Maybe it's because they don't like that they can't walk on me anymore so they get mad, maybe it's because I say something wrong.. I don't know. With Brian, it was time. I know sending that letter, which I still feel sick to my stomach over and freaking out about his reply, was necessary. If he wants a list as to what he considers happiness, here it is BUT that isn't what means I'M happy. Do all of those things make me happy and bring me joy? Yes. Would it hurt so horribly if I lost some of those things? Yes. But that little girl. Sitting in the corner with her head down with no voice who used to look in the mirror and analyze each feature of her face and put every part down. Is she happy? Am I happy? Do I still have days where I feel worthless? Yep. Do I still have arguments with my husband? Yep. Does that mean he doesn't love me? Nope. Do I cry every time I look at Faith's ultrasound and ask her to save a place for me in Heaven? Yep. Sure do. Do I look at an empty nursery and a bunch of toys and things around the house (that I feel guilty for everyday for even having them because it's my fault I'm destroying our house and making it cluttered which means dirty apparently) and feel a pain in my stomach? Yep. Am I learning to give that little girl a voice? Yes. Here it is Brian. Here is my voice. Are YOU happy?
My expectations. Because I was so beaten down and told that everyone who did anything for me just wanted something from me make my expectations of people higher? Yeah, it did and it isn't right. I want them to answer or react the way I need them to in my mind in order to believe them. That's not ok. I was crying the other day, on the verge of suicide yet again after cutting myself a few weeks before and thinking how there was a relief in seeing my blood come out of my body and a fear of that at the same time. My husband surprised me and came home from work during his lunch break to be with me. It was above my expectations and I thought, he loves me. He actually loves me because I never thought he would do that just for me. Like I was worth it. He went above what I even wanted and I couldn't wrap my head around that. There was a part of me that was thinking that I was ruining his life and that I was an inconvenience. Then I thought, just let him hug you for a while Debbie. Just let him hug you because that's what you really need. That comfort of being held. Of being snuggled up to someone and they acted like THEY wanted to do it.
I have been thinking about the past a lot, as always. I blame myself for every single relationship Dustin has lost. My therapist said it isn't always my fault. People have the power to make choices or say "You said this... I took it as.. what did you mean?" An emotionally mature person can handle a conversation even if it is uncomfortable. I want so badly to go on here and list all of the issues I take blame for in detail and why: his dad not sending me a mass text because I think he might be mad which could easily just be in my head, the pain I felt from Diane that might still be between us that sucks, the distance between Dustin and his brother and how much he must hate me, the loss of his family, how they must hate me, how Dustin has lost friendships and how I take the blame even if it isn't always mine, why he hides friends from me now, how I lost Lisa (that I plan on going into detail again soon because I'm coming from a clearlier head now and seeing some more reality about), how I lost Christen and a big group of "friends", how I wasn't listed for Grandma Sortino's obituary, oh how they hate me, how much Bill and his mom hate me... I see it all as my fault and I swear I didn't mean it and if someone could get into my heart and my mind they would know. But they HATE me. My heart hurts so badly. See how horrible I am? BUT I have to remember, I'm not horrible. It isn't all my fault and it ALL isn't true so STOP IT BRAIN!!!!
You know what though, the rest of Dustin's family we want in our lives, have no issues with, and we love. That didn't change at all.
Why can't I look in the mirror and think I'm loveable? See above. And that isn't even everything.
Dustin definitely says otherwise and has made it clear he disagrees about a lot of those things and I think of how much better he deserves then a sick wife who is depressed without children, who is scared of thinking she's pretty, who wants Dustin to be proud of under his arm.
I know in my mind some of these things aren't true but some I think are true and I can't even figure out which is which.
I do think Dustin loves me. I'm just still trying to understand why and I seriously need to accept it because I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. Now write it on the blackboard 100 times.
We have done some awesome things and had one of the best trips I will probably ever have this year and I could never imagine doing this with anyone else.
There are 2 huge issues that still bother me about my life. Things I'm terrified to talk about but will always keep adding to the "see, I told you I'm worthless) list. I would love to talk about them but I'm too scared to. I shouldn't be scared and I think that's the part that makes me most worried and gives it a bigger red flag. So, where does that leave me?
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore but it was nice to feel loved that day he came home. It isn't his responsibility but it was nice feeling loved. I'm not used to it but I wish I could say I was worth it. I'm getting closer.
I'm in a lot of pain over this "finding my foster family" stuff that's been going on and I think I'm trying to suppress some of those emotions as well. That is scaring me VERY badly. There is a lot of emotions attached to this whole thing and my heart is starting to hurt so I'm freaking out inside. It's getting worse.
I've been really sad again the last couple weeks. Crying all of the time. I'm not sure why. I wrote a letter to my sister about something that happened in the past between us that I always felt the blame for that looking back I think "wait, why was that all of my fault" so I wrote her explaining where I am now and why I feel I need to add to my initial response. It wasn't out of anger but because I needed to say, wait a second Debbie.. why was this all your fault? Her response back was, let's say, not exactly what I was hoping for and the end kind of changed the subject. I was hurt. I didn't know how to reply. I still don't and I still haven't. She wrote a few days later saying she was thinking about me and that she loved me. I know, in my family, emotions are very very high. We don't hide them or keep them down. If they are there, they are coming out. People say that's healthier while others think it's just rocking a boat so everyone can still talk. Wouldn't it be better to get it out there then live a fake life? Why does blood make you family? Why can't family be truly "always there for you" because they aren't always REALLY there for you if there is an emotional wall. You are expected to say certain things or act a certain way. My family is sarcastic and jokes around. I still feel bad and tell this to Dustin WAY too often but I was at Matt and Lori's (Dustin's Uncle and Aunts) and everyone was saying, oh it was such a great meal and stuff. It TOTALLY was but I said, eh, it's alright. I felt like I just stabbed someone in the room. No one got the joke. That is how my family jokes around. My sister thought it was hilarious. I spent the rest of the night either apologizing to what seemed like deaf ears or freaking out about it and obviously still freaking out about it. IT WAS A JOKE!!! I wanted to scream it but in his family, you don't do that. In my family, we do. To me, it's a way of saying, you're my family. It's all so weird to me and my family is weird in itself. My therapist has said, several times, that I have to learn that everything isn't my fault. I had to stop apologizing. The more I apologize, the more I sound like I am taking full blame and the more I let someone think I'm weak. I'm realizing that I say sorry too much and I expect too much of people and if they fail me, I assume I'm unlovable. I'm not sure how to fix that last part yet and I'm working on the first. I also wrote my brother. My brother has a very.. oh boy.. it's hard to explain my brother. But the last time we talked he commented that I don't know anything about fostering because I haven't even had a kid yet. That destroyed me and I was so angry!! All I said was, Brian trust me, you don't want to go there. His response was that he knows about fosters because he is the Godfather to fosters and have donated. I could have gone on and on. You have no idea. BUT I was silent. He likes to give a "list" of reasons why he is happy.. about his job, his donations, his new marriage, his degrees, etc. My thoughts were going insane. Instead, I started to fight and just became silent to not start anything else. To my brother it meant, he won and he is happy and I'm not. Done. To me, it meant I won't stoop to his level and I don't need to prove I'm happy. We ended with some interesting words and him saying "I love you" which to me means, now he can tell all of his friends, "See, I was still nice and just trying to having a conversation. She was the one acting crazy." Stop. Thoughts. Tears. Anger. Stop. What I wanted to REALLY say was, Brian remember that tape I found of you dressing up his friend's brother and sister in very inappropriate clothes rubbing on each other (do not read the rest if you don't want to hear vulgarity) and saying "Fill me with your warm cream." IS THAT OK TO YOU?!?!? You are around children?!?!? AHHHHHHHHH. You know what he told me when he saw me watching it was (he stopped it) "Isn't that funny?" Isn't that funny?!?! You sick sick monster. I don't say it to him but man, do I still have hatred inside for him over it and that is poison for me. I don't like using the word hatred because it is insanely strong but yes, hatred. The moment I saw that, my brother was nothing but blood related. I tried. Man, I've tried. I have tried to keep him in my life even though he puts me down continously. I was used to it. I was used to being put down and anyone saying otherwise, to me, are lying because I am worth nothing. Nothing. A waste of air. I was told that so often by my father and brother that it became truth. I am still scared to think otherwise of myself. People have left my life and HATE me, actually HATE me. I never wanted that. How could I stop it? I wanted to stop it. I never meant any harm to anyone but yeah, I understand. I'm worthless anyway. There is something about me keeping people around like my brother, and trying so long with my father, because I desperately need them to be the ones to say they were wrong and I am worth something because they tore me down. I need to hear them say it so I chase and take it over and over. I'm so tired. So beaten down. So.. hurt. So..alone. So...nothing.
My therapist said my brother has a dog like personality. He barks and bites until the other one backs down and he takes it as he's won. So, this week, I decided to bark back. Whenever I bark back, people tend to walk away from me. Maybe it's because they don't like that they can't walk on me anymore so they get mad, maybe it's because I say something wrong.. I don't know. With Brian, it was time. I know sending that letter, which I still feel sick to my stomach over and freaking out about his reply, was necessary. If he wants a list as to what he considers happiness, here it is BUT that isn't what means I'M happy. Do all of those things make me happy and bring me joy? Yes. Would it hurt so horribly if I lost some of those things? Yes. But that little girl. Sitting in the corner with her head down with no voice who used to look in the mirror and analyze each feature of her face and put every part down. Is she happy? Am I happy? Do I still have days where I feel worthless? Yep. Do I still have arguments with my husband? Yep. Does that mean he doesn't love me? Nope. Do I cry every time I look at Faith's ultrasound and ask her to save a place for me in Heaven? Yep. Sure do. Do I look at an empty nursery and a bunch of toys and things around the house (that I feel guilty for everyday for even having them because it's my fault I'm destroying our house and making it cluttered which means dirty apparently) and feel a pain in my stomach? Yep. Am I learning to give that little girl a voice? Yes. Here it is Brian. Here is my voice. Are YOU happy?
My expectations. Because I was so beaten down and told that everyone who did anything for me just wanted something from me make my expectations of people higher? Yeah, it did and it isn't right. I want them to answer or react the way I need them to in my mind in order to believe them. That's not ok. I was crying the other day, on the verge of suicide yet again after cutting myself a few weeks before and thinking how there was a relief in seeing my blood come out of my body and a fear of that at the same time. My husband surprised me and came home from work during his lunch break to be with me. It was above my expectations and I thought, he loves me. He actually loves me because I never thought he would do that just for me. Like I was worth it. He went above what I even wanted and I couldn't wrap my head around that. There was a part of me that was thinking that I was ruining his life and that I was an inconvenience. Then I thought, just let him hug you for a while Debbie. Just let him hug you because that's what you really need. That comfort of being held. Of being snuggled up to someone and they acted like THEY wanted to do it.
I have been thinking about the past a lot, as always. I blame myself for every single relationship Dustin has lost. My therapist said it isn't always my fault. People have the power to make choices or say "You said this... I took it as.. what did you mean?" An emotionally mature person can handle a conversation even if it is uncomfortable. I want so badly to go on here and list all of the issues I take blame for in detail and why: his dad not sending me a mass text because I think he might be mad which could easily just be in my head, the pain I felt from Diane that might still be between us that sucks, the distance between Dustin and his brother and how much he must hate me, the loss of his family, how they must hate me, how Dustin has lost friendships and how I take the blame even if it isn't always mine, why he hides friends from me now, how I lost Lisa (that I plan on going into detail again soon because I'm coming from a clearlier head now and seeing some more reality about), how I lost Christen and a big group of "friends", how I wasn't listed for Grandma Sortino's obituary, oh how they hate me, how much Bill and his mom hate me... I see it all as my fault and I swear I didn't mean it and if someone could get into my heart and my mind they would know. But they HATE me. My heart hurts so badly. See how horrible I am? BUT I have to remember, I'm not horrible. It isn't all my fault and it ALL isn't true so STOP IT BRAIN!!!!
You know what though, the rest of Dustin's family we want in our lives, have no issues with, and we love. That didn't change at all.
Why can't I look in the mirror and think I'm loveable? See above. And that isn't even everything.
Dustin definitely says otherwise and has made it clear he disagrees about a lot of those things and I think of how much better he deserves then a sick wife who is depressed without children, who is scared of thinking she's pretty, who wants Dustin to be proud of under his arm.
I know in my mind some of these things aren't true but some I think are true and I can't even figure out which is which.
I do think Dustin loves me. I'm just still trying to understand why and I seriously need to accept it because I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. Now write it on the blackboard 100 times.
We have done some awesome things and had one of the best trips I will probably ever have this year and I could never imagine doing this with anyone else.
There are 2 huge issues that still bother me about my life. Things I'm terrified to talk about but will always keep adding to the "see, I told you I'm worthless) list. I would love to talk about them but I'm too scared to. I shouldn't be scared and I think that's the part that makes me most worried and gives it a bigger red flag. So, where does that leave me?
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore but it was nice to feel loved that day he came home. It isn't his responsibility but it was nice feeling loved. I'm not used to it but I wish I could say I was worth it. I'm getting closer.
I'm in a lot of pain over this "finding my foster family" stuff that's been going on and I think I'm trying to suppress some of those emotions as well. That is scaring me VERY badly. There is a lot of emotions attached to this whole thing and my heart is starting to hurt so I'm freaking out inside. It's getting worse.
Comments
Post a Comment