over a year later

To anyone listening,

I am still dealing with depression. It isn't as bad but it's still there.

I have been going through the list of 17 (did you hear that???) SEVENTEEN people that don't talk to us or are mad at us. Whether it's one of us or both of us and I can say MAYBE all but one I blame myself for.

I think everyday of the way I ruined his life.

Maybe a month ago.. I saw that my old friend's dad passed away. I felt terrible for her. I sent her a card. I didn't need a reply and I wasn't doing it to look like I was wonderful but it actually broke my heart for her. I think about her very randomly. Usually when it's a story about something we did together. I started to go through the positive and negative of that relationship. I realized what she was going through and I probably didn't realize that neither of were talking about it as much as we should have been so I could be there for her. Then there are other moments.. about how little was done for my wedding in general.. how much I tried to do for hers.. how guilty I felt that her other maid of honor stepped down but wanted to be in charge of her bachelorette party because she said she said it before that she would so wanted to keep the promise (obviously very in charge and probably because of the way I was about the shower).. how I felt I didn't have anything to do with it even down to my idea about outfits to help her stand out.. I sat at the bar alone for over an hour and no one noticed which was probably best but when it came down to afterwards at the bar, it was my fault she sat there alone for a while.. then where was everyone else.. it was my fault then...what happened during trips.. I don't know. Just different thoughts. Good and bad. I realized  I didn't end the friendship. She did. I asked her if that was what she wanted in the text and basically I will leave if that is what she wanted and then I got the message that she couldn't believe I ended it... when I didn't... Just thoughts. How she said I was pushing her further away when she never told me I was pushing her away in the first place which is very very hurtful. How was I first pushing her away? Was I actually a burden to her? She never said I was but...

Also, I can see who read my first post about us and I was cracking up. Obsess much?? Should have just copied and pasted it to show everyone and to break it down to where I was wrong.

Anyway, what I've been focusing on, which has been destructive and I've been eating more and gaining weight back because of all of these thoughts, are the words "you kept me from everyone and everything" because somewhere there could be hate for me. How there are hidden friends from me now hurts really really really badly.

I am not perfect but nothing in my heart is evil. Not that I know of. Some anger at times, sure but to be evil on purpose absolutely not.

I think about the big elephant in the room we don't discuss and I break it down and tear myself apart in my head everyday and I can't even talk about it..

Maybe my husband deserves better. I unintentionally hurt him or caused things that I didn't mean and it's my fault. I am saying I think it's my fault not that he is there thinking it.

My therapist says Dustin is lucky to have me and all I think is that someone might tell him I am the one who is lucky to have him if he was the one in the chair instead of me...

I think about my friends. Their highs and lows right now. How I am surrounding myself with strong people. They have felt weak too when all I see is strength but if they are hurting, trust me I am too for them.

Two of my friends are having family issues.

I will speak briefly about one. My friend has done everything they can to stand up for something they know are truths whether they are alone in that fight or not. What hurts me is the pain they are begging for help with and aren't getting. Offering help and helping are different. You have to add your own family members sometimes. Whether it's a friend or a neighbor or a co-worker.. whatever. If that person is actually physically there for you and acting on their actions not just making empty promises to them, that is what they need too. The idea of "family" is what your definition is but there is hope for me that they aren't in their own head too much or destroy themselves with their thoughts. When I hug them, I want to hug them forever and say they aren't selfish, they are loved. Being loved is a big word.. It doesn't mean I love you for being nice or funny sometimes. It means so much more. I think the definition of love might even be different from one person to another.

I LOVE Dustin, I love my current circle of friends who, as my therapist says, are emotionally mature enough to have around,..

I recently had to discuss an issue I had with a close friend. I told her, I knew her well enough to say she doesn't mean to hurt me so let's talk about what happened. We had a very grown up and mature conversation and we were both thankful that we know each other's hearts well enough to say "hey, this doesn't seem like you, let's talk about this." It took maybe 15-20 mins and it was done. No yelling. No bitterness. Just a talk. We said we loved each other and moved on with the knowledge of what happened and what can be changed for the next time. I wish every argument I've had with someone could be so mature and easy to do. I've known her for so so long so why in the world would I suddenly think she would be cruel. I didn't and I don't. I think if someone really knows me, they would know if something wasn't my character and be able to say.. hey this doesn't seem like you, let's talk about it.

I am no great friend. Heck, I'm surprised I have any. I barely have any. Does that mean people don't really know me or does that mean they always saw me as some monster? I don't know but it makes me sad. I don't want to be a monster.

Someone close to me was telling me how there will always be haters and I shouldn't be around toxic people. True. BUT I never wanted to be the toxic person for someone else either. My therapists always says, why is it always your fault? Can't it be their's?

.....

Some days it is and some days it isn't.

Today it's my fault.

Have you ever actually known about the true fact of something but you keep getting lied to about it? Like you know know. But, you give them a lot of chances to tell the truth but if they still don't, you just give up and continue to let it eat at you? I have. I am. Am I the one doing wrong now?

All I ever want is to sit in silence now to make everyone happy. If I don't say anything or do anything, I won't break anything. It's like a kid in a glass store. Don't move or touch anything and nothing will be destroyed. That's how I feel. Why should I ever talk? Even now while I'm typing this with tears running down my face, I will have regrets.

I'm not good enough. I can't measure up...

The things I allow myself to even think are good things get torn apart by someone else. I can't do this sometimes. Ya know? Have you ever had a day where you think that you don't want to go through the day but just stay under the covers and let the day just pass?

- toxic, the past, gone now
- someone I needed out of my life before but am ok to let go because it wasn't worth it to hurt someone I love, we were happy to have gone
-he was being childish, never heard from again, eh he is more important anyway
- 2 months after my dad passed away, said something horrible, I stood up to them, someone that always lied to everyone but when they lied about us everyone believed, not either of our fault
- was willing to be there for them rather than us and broke our hearts, asked what he said to them not what they said to him, was mean to me, he confronted, my fault
- tried to reconnect them to him, followers, didn't even care my dad died, one hit on me, and ended up following the liar, he wanted to walk away anyway, my fault
- I tried to stand up for her, thought a discussion would be enough to find out it was my fault the door was forever closed, tried to reunite, impossible, my fault
- Not totally sure about, annoyed me, annoyed him, jerk, nice, on and off anyway, now I'm confused, apparently my fault
- no freaking idea
- sad misunderstanding, apparently my fault
- was seen as taking a side, hurt me by not feeling as important as someone else, always hurt him for feeling like he was less, they butt heads, lots of issues, he always wanted to walk away, never ever checked on us to see if we were ok that night and that really put him over the edge so obvious sides, mentioned things the other said but never asked about how we were, didn't ask about my health anymore, I tried to help, my fault
- mean, swore at him, I tried, I failed apparently, he wanted to walk away anyway, my fault
- seriously wanted to let my emotions out but he didn't want me to do as much as I already did so I didn't, wanted support, used stupid FB, said he understood and was sorry but then didn't tell us things anymore then obviously didn't understand or was sorry, the other one took sides on that too without talking to us, didn't mean to miss it, everything broke down and it sounded made up, he chose to not go, my fault
- I said stupid things to by mistake, nice, gave 2nd exit so we didn't know the first, my fault
- hiding, discussing, protection, he wants to walk away, my fault
-sick, crazy, liar, definitely toxic, neither of our faults


What does some of this add up to? MY FAULT

That's all I hear YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT

There is a TON more to what I just wrote and it doesn't make sense, I know. It does for me though.

Not my fault, treated like it is my fault, told it's not my fault, what do I do?!?!?!?

............

I walk away. I leave.

...........

I got a letter from someone recently that maybe changed a big part of my life. Thanks to Dustin for finding this person.

It felt like a letter from my mom that I never knew all of these years.

Like it was MY mom. I didn't even get to have my real mom but this person was more of a mom than anyone and I just wanted to cry into her shoulder and say "I missed you mom." She remembered how beautiful she saw me, she actually WANTED me, she stills sees me as a loving person, and you know what... somewhere inside... deep inside.. I believe her.

With my head in my hands, my desire is to scream I'M SORRY!!!!!!! Then the other part of me still says, why can't it be their fault? I don't know.

I should leave to make everyone a little happier and so they can forever think I am the monster they see me as. Monster in at least one way. My heart is broken. Forever broken. It hurts. I'm sor...

I don't know what I am anymore.

Talk to me tomorrow and I might be strong again.

For now, I have to be that kid in the glass store.

I should leave...
I should leave...
Everything will go back to normal...
I should leave...

I was asked to audition for a show at the theatre I used to perform at. I'm still not at all sure why one of the girls there is mad at me. Usually I know but this time.. NO CLUE. I know this director is super close to her so I kept kind of going around why I couldn't audition. She asked again and (there really isn't a good part for me to play anyway so I have no clue) I finally said, so and so hates me and I don't want anyone to feel awkward or upset. She obviously knew about it but said not to worry about her because she won't have anything to do with the show. I have no clue what to do.

I also put in my headshot and resume to a place in the city and there is an audition in the suburbs southwest (?) of me...



So, I wrote some of that last week and things have changed since the above feelings too. Dustin really helped me with some of my feelings and questions and I saw this meme (excuse the swearing)

Cheers to the people who love us, the losers who lost us, and the lucky bastards who get to meet us.

Even my therapist liked that one!!  She says I focus too much on people hating me, for me still loving them but they reject me, so they must really hate me. She asks if it is ever possible it's them and not you. Hm.