Learning and regretting and moving
To anyone listening,
I've wanted to write on here for a while. I have had a HUGE amount of guilt for stupid, horrible things I did during the cancer and during Faith. Just really dumb decisions and life choices. I can pick myself apart and figure out why and put myself down but it doesn't really change that. All I can say is, people lied about me, I'm very very sorry for the things I've done, and in the last 3 years have REALLY learned a lot.
When I was going through some stuff, I was drinking A LOT. I was 2 maids-of-honors at the time and man did I screw up with people around them and even them some times as much as I tried really hard not to and blew $5,000 for each of their weddings to try and make them perfect. I hurt them, their families and friends and did a lot of dumb things in public. A LOT. I can't take it back. I'm trying not to beat myself up for it each day but there is still that little voice back there...
I think the big thing I learned is that I FINALLY surround myself with people that feed me. I don't mean like order me a pizza. Not that I would turn that down. I mean people who feed me positive thoughts, positive attitudes, people who don't judge me. People that tell me to get up in the morning because I am worth loving and don't expect from me a single thing in return. My friends right now, actually mean that. I still can't believe it. It took me almost 40 years to find some great people (well, there are 2 I need to get rid of.. the last of them but we don't talk much).
I realized just how blind I was before. How blind I was to think certain people were actually good for me and positive but in reality... they weren't AT ALL!!! It surprising how much I put people on pedestals. It's really messed up. I always had people warning me in my ear to stay away from this person or that person and I would think why? They are nice. They listen to me. My real friends would say but you aren't seeing the poison behind them.
I get so rushed when I'm having events and get all frazzled. I still feel bad about seeing a fly in some juice at my house warming before everyone showed up and my first thought was, ew take it out! I reached in and grabbed it and then immediately thought... umm gross, you ruined it all now, anddddd you just did that in front of your husband's mom. Luckily she was polite enough to say that basically she will handle things in the kitchen so I can be a host to my friends. That was very kind and all of the things they did when my dad died. I guess I wished I thanked them more sometimes.
Anyway, I was telling my therapist about how much I focus on how horrible of a person I am and how many people that left, leaving me alone so I must be the bad variable. She said "ahhh. well, could it be because you are healthy or that you are getting healthier and they weren't?" I laughed and said that would probably think that way about themselves if they were in the chair. She said, but they're not. You are.
I heard this saying "I don't have time for the people who hate me, I'm too busy loving the ones who love me." I think I needed to here it. I texted it to her and she said "Amen!" I sent it to some of my friends and they needed to hear it too.
Dustin knows I'm still struggling with depression. He surprised me with an Easter basket. I really needed that smile. I still look at it and smile. I was trying to wear more clothes in my closet because I have so many nice ones but nowhere to go. I thought, I'm going to do this for myself and to look nicer for my husband. He wore a suit jacket and tie and surprised me. He is going above and beyond and yesterday I was going back and forth with him through texts about kitchen decor and out attitudes were so silly and dramatic. It was so dumb. I wish I knew what hurts him but he is the kind to keep it in and try and deal with it himself while I just think everything is my fault. Even though we can't fix the problems, we can love each other. That's what we do. That's what I personally feel we are doing better at all of the time now. The last, what.. 10 yrs of being sick.. drinking too much.. losing a baby.. losing people and we are still here. We still love each other.
We are planning to renew our vows (I HATED my wedding!!! EVERY SINGLE PART! Including how I looked.. down to the flowers). I did it for my dad and I still regret it. My therapist said that not everyone gets to hit the reset button and she's right. We will be doing it for our 20th so we have some time to say the least lol. It would be nice to pick the dress I WANT, the hair I WANT, the veil.. the shoes.. the bouquet.. my vows.. and the song I actually wanted to be my first dance song.. It will be in Mexico because that's where our honeymoon was. It will be nice and simple because it's not about who stands where and who wears what or pays for what or blah blah blah. It will be for us. For me, it's a way to look back and leave my regrets in the past. I have some time to work on them and I need to stop beating myself up!!! I mean seriously woman!!!
I need to work on me. I need to work on us. I need to be thankful every minute of everyday that my friends are true to who they are. They don't judge me. They aren't selfsih. They just love me. I might not believe I'm worth it and I'm working on that too. But .. I'm too busy loving the ones who love me. I hope that is my future.
I've wanted to write on here for a while. I have had a HUGE amount of guilt for stupid, horrible things I did during the cancer and during Faith. Just really dumb decisions and life choices. I can pick myself apart and figure out why and put myself down but it doesn't really change that. All I can say is, people lied about me, I'm very very sorry for the things I've done, and in the last 3 years have REALLY learned a lot.
When I was going through some stuff, I was drinking A LOT. I was 2 maids-of-honors at the time and man did I screw up with people around them and even them some times as much as I tried really hard not to and blew $5,000 for each of their weddings to try and make them perfect. I hurt them, their families and friends and did a lot of dumb things in public. A LOT. I can't take it back. I'm trying not to beat myself up for it each day but there is still that little voice back there...
I think the big thing I learned is that I FINALLY surround myself with people that feed me. I don't mean like order me a pizza. Not that I would turn that down. I mean people who feed me positive thoughts, positive attitudes, people who don't judge me. People that tell me to get up in the morning because I am worth loving and don't expect from me a single thing in return. My friends right now, actually mean that. I still can't believe it. It took me almost 40 years to find some great people (well, there are 2 I need to get rid of.. the last of them but we don't talk much).
I realized just how blind I was before. How blind I was to think certain people were actually good for me and positive but in reality... they weren't AT ALL!!! It surprising how much I put people on pedestals. It's really messed up. I always had people warning me in my ear to stay away from this person or that person and I would think why? They are nice. They listen to me. My real friends would say but you aren't seeing the poison behind them.
I get so rushed when I'm having events and get all frazzled. I still feel bad about seeing a fly in some juice at my house warming before everyone showed up and my first thought was, ew take it out! I reached in and grabbed it and then immediately thought... umm gross, you ruined it all now, anddddd you just did that in front of your husband's mom. Luckily she was polite enough to say that basically she will handle things in the kitchen so I can be a host to my friends. That was very kind and all of the things they did when my dad died. I guess I wished I thanked them more sometimes.
Anyway, I was telling my therapist about how much I focus on how horrible of a person I am and how many people that left, leaving me alone so I must be the bad variable. She said "ahhh. well, could it be because you are healthy or that you are getting healthier and they weren't?" I laughed and said that would probably think that way about themselves if they were in the chair. She said, but they're not. You are.
I heard this saying "I don't have time for the people who hate me, I'm too busy loving the ones who love me." I think I needed to here it. I texted it to her and she said "Amen!" I sent it to some of my friends and they needed to hear it too.
Dustin knows I'm still struggling with depression. He surprised me with an Easter basket. I really needed that smile. I still look at it and smile. I was trying to wear more clothes in my closet because I have so many nice ones but nowhere to go. I thought, I'm going to do this for myself and to look nicer for my husband. He wore a suit jacket and tie and surprised me. He is going above and beyond and yesterday I was going back and forth with him through texts about kitchen decor and out attitudes were so silly and dramatic. It was so dumb. I wish I knew what hurts him but he is the kind to keep it in and try and deal with it himself while I just think everything is my fault. Even though we can't fix the problems, we can love each other. That's what we do. That's what I personally feel we are doing better at all of the time now. The last, what.. 10 yrs of being sick.. drinking too much.. losing a baby.. losing people and we are still here. We still love each other.
We are planning to renew our vows (I HATED my wedding!!! EVERY SINGLE PART! Including how I looked.. down to the flowers). I did it for my dad and I still regret it. My therapist said that not everyone gets to hit the reset button and she's right. We will be doing it for our 20th so we have some time to say the least lol. It would be nice to pick the dress I WANT, the hair I WANT, the veil.. the shoes.. the bouquet.. my vows.. and the song I actually wanted to be my first dance song.. It will be in Mexico because that's where our honeymoon was. It will be nice and simple because it's not about who stands where and who wears what or pays for what or blah blah blah. It will be for us. For me, it's a way to look back and leave my regrets in the past. I have some time to work on them and I need to stop beating myself up!!! I mean seriously woman!!!
I need to work on me. I need to work on us. I need to be thankful every minute of everyday that my friends are true to who they are. They don't judge me. They aren't selfsih. They just love me. I might not believe I'm worth it and I'm working on that too. But .. I'm too busy loving the ones who love me. I hope that is my future.
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