Apologies
To whoever is listening,
I don't think it's realized just how sorry I feel about everything and when I say everything, I mean everything. My therapist and I were discussing something I wanted to ask her about and that I'm going to look like I'm the one who did something wrong but I never did. It's things about my personality that people will believe it was my fault. She explained why she did what she did and took responsibility for what she did do wrong and at the end said "Do you forgive me?" I chuckled and said yes. She said "I mean it. Do you forgive me for what I did to you? I was wrong and I didn't mean to hurt you. Do you forgive me?" Confused, I said "yes.." By the end of the conversation I was crying and said I never should have told her and it was my fault for bringing it up. She said "Why are you taking away my apology? You deserved it. It was my fault. You don't need to make other people's apology become your apology. Let me say sorry. I don't want it to become meaningless to you. It's my apology to give it to you. Please don't take it away." I cried more and said "I'm sorry." She explained that she doesn't want anyone's apology and responsibility to do so taken from them. It might have been hard for them to say it. When do you deserve an apology? I have thought about this a lot. I go through every moment in my head and think, I shouldn't have said that or done this and I wish I could do it over. I'm so sorry. Recently I asked someone if they would do something again that hurt me. They said they didn't know the future. I thought, yeah that's true. I shouldn't assume otherwise. She said to me that if someone really loves you and doesn't want to hurt you again in that way, there is no "they don't know the future." They say they know they will never hurt you again like that. There is no free pass. They should know for certain that will not hurt you so badly again. She asked why I would take something like that and turn it into, ok that's cool. She asked why don't I stand up for myself and say, if you can't look me in the eye and say it confidently then I deserve more.? Why do you accept that it's ok to give them a free pass. If they are sorry and don't want to hurt you again, they should strongly think I cannot and will not hurt you like that again. I thought about it later, and realized she's right. If someone can't confidently say that they will not, then why do you think it's ok for them to hurt you? Why is it ok for them to say.. maybe, I hope not but who knows. Why is that ok? It's not. Telling myself that it isn't ok is killing me. I keep crying about it and then tell myself it's all my fault then think I do deserve someone to love me enough to truly believe they won't do that again, what did I do wrong where they can't say they definitely won't, it's all my fault, I can't look at them the same, I can't stop crying because it hurts and I'm sorry I'm crying. Around around I go in my head. I think of the few times people that called me annoying and how I wish I wasn't the way I am and I am annoying. Even the times I have stood up for myself, I end up apologizing. The thing is, when I say sorry, I truly mean it. It kills me that I was a certain way, acted a certain way, wasn't invited to things again because of something I did, I'm sorry for something I said 30 years ago and I beat myself up for everyday. I'm sorry!! There have been times recently that I have thought that I deserved an apology and I couldn't find a way to say that I did something wrong. The thing is that instead of not blaming myself for those moments, I blame myself for everything else I've done. Every dumb thing I've said, every overreaction, every time I cried over something stupid, every time I was annoying and never heard from someone again, every time I slurred my speech when I was drinking... ALL of it. When do I deserve an apology? When can I say, that's not good enough for me and know I am worth more? She said because I take away an apology someone else should make, that might think, cool! I'm off the hook! She said sorry so heck now I don't have to! The next time they do something wrong, they might be thinking they don't owe you an apology because she'll think it's all her fault. Someone might not consciously do it but they are taking advantage of your self hatred, What kind of people are those? - she asked. I don't know. People who know I'm worthless. She said to say sorry to the ones you think you did wrong to but don't always say sorry to the ones you didn't do wrong. I apologized to some people. Some were kind. Some were not. All I kept thinking was.. see, I told you. People hate me and they should. Look at what I've done. She always tries to tell me that I have to think higher of myself. You know what I think about after I see someone or talk to someone? I beat myself up for every word I said. Every action. If I don't hear from them again, it's all me. If they call me annoying, they're right. If I hurt them, I'm sorry. Mostly I've been thinking I'm sorry to myself. I'm sorry I beat you up little heart, little mind. I'm sorry that you cried ever, that you overreacted, that you weren't forgiven. I'm sorry you are hurting and that you cry yourself to sleep. If I listed every time I did wrong or someone I did wrong to, it would be everything. Think about that. Everything. From sleeping in to falling asleep too early. Everything I did years ago that effects the way someone sees me right now. It kills me. I would like someone to be certain they won't hurt me, but I can't help but to think I don't deserve it one minute and then want to pack everything up and leave and say that I deserve more the next minute. I'm not so terrible. I deserve certainty! Most of the time though, I'm wishing I can take things back. For people to see my personality now and accept the mistakes I've made, to forgive me, and to know I might learn even more and change again tomorrow.
I beg you not to dislike me because of mistakes I've made. I'm sorry.
I deserve someone to say to me that they won't hurt me for certain because they can't imagine doing it again.
I look back and hate myself everyday. Now will you like me again? Invite me to things again? Ask me how I'm doing instead of me asking you? I'm sorry for hoping you will forgive me. They have every right to say bad things about me or hate me. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry....
I'm sorry to you too Debbie. I'm sorry I keep hurting you. I'm sorry.
I don't think it's realized just how sorry I feel about everything and when I say everything, I mean everything. My therapist and I were discussing something I wanted to ask her about and that I'm going to look like I'm the one who did something wrong but I never did. It's things about my personality that people will believe it was my fault. She explained why she did what she did and took responsibility for what she did do wrong and at the end said "Do you forgive me?" I chuckled and said yes. She said "I mean it. Do you forgive me for what I did to you? I was wrong and I didn't mean to hurt you. Do you forgive me?" Confused, I said "yes.." By the end of the conversation I was crying and said I never should have told her and it was my fault for bringing it up. She said "Why are you taking away my apology? You deserved it. It was my fault. You don't need to make other people's apology become your apology. Let me say sorry. I don't want it to become meaningless to you. It's my apology to give it to you. Please don't take it away." I cried more and said "I'm sorry." She explained that she doesn't want anyone's apology and responsibility to do so taken from them. It might have been hard for them to say it. When do you deserve an apology? I have thought about this a lot. I go through every moment in my head and think, I shouldn't have said that or done this and I wish I could do it over. I'm so sorry. Recently I asked someone if they would do something again that hurt me. They said they didn't know the future. I thought, yeah that's true. I shouldn't assume otherwise. She said to me that if someone really loves you and doesn't want to hurt you again in that way, there is no "they don't know the future." They say they know they will never hurt you again like that. There is no free pass. They should know for certain that will not hurt you so badly again. She asked why I would take something like that and turn it into, ok that's cool. She asked why don't I stand up for myself and say, if you can't look me in the eye and say it confidently then I deserve more.? Why do you accept that it's ok to give them a free pass. If they are sorry and don't want to hurt you again, they should strongly think I cannot and will not hurt you like that again. I thought about it later, and realized she's right. If someone can't confidently say that they will not, then why do you think it's ok for them to hurt you? Why is it ok for them to say.. maybe, I hope not but who knows. Why is that ok? It's not. Telling myself that it isn't ok is killing me. I keep crying about it and then tell myself it's all my fault then think I do deserve someone to love me enough to truly believe they won't do that again, what did I do wrong where they can't say they definitely won't, it's all my fault, I can't look at them the same, I can't stop crying because it hurts and I'm sorry I'm crying. Around around I go in my head. I think of the few times people that called me annoying and how I wish I wasn't the way I am and I am annoying. Even the times I have stood up for myself, I end up apologizing. The thing is, when I say sorry, I truly mean it. It kills me that I was a certain way, acted a certain way, wasn't invited to things again because of something I did, I'm sorry for something I said 30 years ago and I beat myself up for everyday. I'm sorry!! There have been times recently that I have thought that I deserved an apology and I couldn't find a way to say that I did something wrong. The thing is that instead of not blaming myself for those moments, I blame myself for everything else I've done. Every dumb thing I've said, every overreaction, every time I cried over something stupid, every time I was annoying and never heard from someone again, every time I slurred my speech when I was drinking... ALL of it. When do I deserve an apology? When can I say, that's not good enough for me and know I am worth more? She said because I take away an apology someone else should make, that might think, cool! I'm off the hook! She said sorry so heck now I don't have to! The next time they do something wrong, they might be thinking they don't owe you an apology because she'll think it's all her fault. Someone might not consciously do it but they are taking advantage of your self hatred, What kind of people are those? - she asked. I don't know. People who know I'm worthless. She said to say sorry to the ones you think you did wrong to but don't always say sorry to the ones you didn't do wrong. I apologized to some people. Some were kind. Some were not. All I kept thinking was.. see, I told you. People hate me and they should. Look at what I've done. She always tries to tell me that I have to think higher of myself. You know what I think about after I see someone or talk to someone? I beat myself up for every word I said. Every action. If I don't hear from them again, it's all me. If they call me annoying, they're right. If I hurt them, I'm sorry. Mostly I've been thinking I'm sorry to myself. I'm sorry I beat you up little heart, little mind. I'm sorry that you cried ever, that you overreacted, that you weren't forgiven. I'm sorry you are hurting and that you cry yourself to sleep. If I listed every time I did wrong or someone I did wrong to, it would be everything. Think about that. Everything. From sleeping in to falling asleep too early. Everything I did years ago that effects the way someone sees me right now. It kills me. I would like someone to be certain they won't hurt me, but I can't help but to think I don't deserve it one minute and then want to pack everything up and leave and say that I deserve more the next minute. I'm not so terrible. I deserve certainty! Most of the time though, I'm wishing I can take things back. For people to see my personality now and accept the mistakes I've made, to forgive me, and to know I might learn even more and change again tomorrow.
I beg you not to dislike me because of mistakes I've made. I'm sorry.
I deserve someone to say to me that they won't hurt me for certain because they can't imagine doing it again.
I look back and hate myself everyday. Now will you like me again? Invite me to things again? Ask me how I'm doing instead of me asking you? I'm sorry for hoping you will forgive me. They have every right to say bad things about me or hate me. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry....
I'm sorry to you too Debbie. I'm sorry I keep hurting you. I'm sorry.
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