Hey

 To Whoever is Listening:

Wow. I can't believe it's been since the summer of 2020 since I wrote. I probably lost a lot of people who used to read this blog. 

I have a list of things to do, but instead I'm here writing. I needed to for some odd reason.

I have some amazing people in my life right now that I don't deserve. Before my surgery, I went on short walks to Faith's bench and I would listen to my Christian music and talk to God. I would sit on her bench and talk to her. I would pray for her and that I hope she is in Heaven with Jesus. I would thank God for letting me hold her. I would walk back home after crying my tears. I would walk back and pray to God for forgiveness of things I've done. Every single day I did this. I remember one day just feeling like God told me that He has forgiven me for that, why am I still asking. I feel so so far from God's love, but I pray a little everyday. Usually I cry once just asking God if I can still get into Heaven with all the wrong I've done. It was bad.. really bad. Bad enough to wonder if God turned His back on me forever. I miss church, but I don't like it at all sometimes. I had a lot of drama and judgement at church. It's scary. I miss singing and hearing the pastor speak. I listened to church several times online. There are so many new songs. That was my time to really talk to Him and now I spend the whole time reading a screen. It takes a lot for me to trust a pastor. I had one amazing one and we still talk to them. Why God has still blessed me with them is beyond me but I'm EXTREMELY thankful that they are. I had a fantastic one when I went to Master's Commission. He preaches in Rockford. I do want to go because I trust him and my old youth pastor and his family watch him every weekend in Haiti. 

We were foster parents, for those of you that don't know. I would pray for them while they slept. It was hard. We didn't experience much at all but it was hard. When the last one left, I felt like I was such a failure. Was I never supposed to be a Mom? Physically I'm a mess so that means I can't have children in my life? I really don't know, but I think about it a lot. Some days I'll just sit in an empty bathtub just wondering why I exist. Who will hate me next.. It happens every year so far so what's the one thing that is in every sitution.. every end of a relationship.. me. I'll sit in the corner of the closet and cry for a couple of hours and just want to feel like if I'm in there, I can't hurt anyone or make another person hate me. Do I tell Dustin? Not always. If he's reading this now he'll know. I just really figured out that I hate myself. I hate who I am. I know Dustin loves me, but I have a hard time knowing why. I don't want to make him angry or annoyed, but I do sometimes.. we're married too.. it happens sometimes but... I wish I didn't. I really really do. I hate that I tell the same stories over and over again. I hate that I say things when I was never asked a question. I hate that I ask people too many questions, but it's because I want to know them. I'm interested in them. I want to know them because I am one of those people that want deep relationships. It scares people away. It can annoy people. I wish I wasn't like that sometimes. Other times I'm glad I am. I actually had someone say they didn't want to continue a friendship with me because I apologized about some actions I did. She wanted a surface "friendship" and I had gone too far by apologizing. She had a different idea of what friendship was for her, and I try and accept that. I've had a lot of people get mad at me or walk away from me because I apologized. I guess I don't understand that.

I had to plan some events with someone else. My thoughts were, let's give her the big things while the other person focused on the small things. I've realized that the other person did the right thing. I was in the wrong. I regret it all of the time. I've said some major things because I was hurt by someone else. I didn't acknowledge the great things she did. Coming to my rescue at all hours at anytime. Dealing with my many issues. Were there negatives with her? Sure. Who is perfect? But sometimes the good outweighed the bad and all I did was say mean things because I was hurting so badly. I've tried to apologize since, but I have no idea if she's seen my messages. Sometimes that's all I can do. Do I think she might be thinking she's glad I'm not in her life? Yes. I do. Everyone is in someone's life for a season. If I didn't see it then, I see it now that it's too late. The thing is, I must have done something right. Right? Her other friend deserves such praise that I can't say it enough. I wasn't like that. Is that why she was just like ok that's it kind of thing? Maybe. I'll never really know. There was a lot of miscommunication in the end. I should have said things differently, explained what she was doing was hurting me... there were a lot of screw ups. It's not that I dwell on it and it sounds like I do. Honestly I think about it when I think about the list of people that really dislike or might even hate me. 

I've tried to say I'm sorry and that is usually wrong for some reason. I've tried to take all of the blame and people use it to make me feel worse. I let them though because I'm showing them I'm weak. So it's like.. hey, while you're down there, let me wipe my feet on you. I'm trying to find a balance of hating myself and standing up for myself risking losing people no matter what I chose.

I won't say I'm not scared to screw up relationships that I do have. I am all of the time. I'm thinking that I've heard "I love you" before and then they're gone. Am I worth actually loving then?

I think about the future. I said I want 1 of 3 dreams. Have kids, act professionally, or travel a lot. It doesn't seem like any of those are going to happen anymore. I am going through a major pain (I know is there but haven't quite gone in enough to accept it) that I won't have kids. It's not in my future. Yes, Dustin said we could adopt, but has said it would only be for me. I can't put a child in a situation like that. I couldn't do that. I have no words as to why I can't do that to a child, so that's off the table. 

I'm sitting here writing and knowing I have so much to do so why am I wasting my time doing this when I should be doing that. I don't think I'm wasting my time I guess.

To be honest with you, I feel really really lonely. Rejected and lonely. Internally. I hate being alone all day and being in pain feeling worthless. I hate that I feel like I need someone to fix it because it's no one's responsibility and, if anything, I'm probably pushing them away too. Even now I'm just thinking that I'm such a broken record. I'm someone to walk on egg shells around because who knows what will upset me. I need a long hug each day just to get through. I need to have someone actually want to listen to the dumb stories I've said a million times. Dustin says repeatedly that I make him happy. That no matter what happens, he wants to do it with me. I just wonder why I make him happy when he's miserable on the weekends. Why do I make him happy because I need him too much. I will always always blame myself for every single relationship he's lost. He could tell me a million times, and it's getting to that number, that it had nothing to do with me. I just think but if I...

I miss having family around. Dustin's Aunt texted the other day because there was an issue with his email.. Anyway, you know what I thought? I miss her. She was always so kind to us. Dustin always said great things about her and we can't have her in our life. Like REALLY in our life. We can't go to functions anymore. I wrote an apology letter to some people on the other side of his family, and I don't think I was forgiven. I think that if the situation was reversed, I would feel differently. I couldn't imagine being like that. Just so easily shutting the door on someone. One Aunt wrote back and was SO kind about it. I actually cried when I read it because someone actually forgave me. For once someone said that it took a lot to write that. Thank you... We never thought like that... We love you... You're family. There was more to it then that, but that was the basics of what that meant to me. There are people that actually love me in the world. People that don't stomp on me when I apologize. How could I not think that people hate me? I mean.. to be so cruel as to be mean or not reply at all.. I want to believe everyone is different and maybe they don't hate me but just don't want to talk about things or go too deep. It's so so hard. I mean it is really really hard. 

If I could change things.. if I could do things differently.. if I should have not done things.. maybe just maybe I wouldn't have that list of people that feel the way they do about me. Heck, it's my sister's birthday today. I never know if we are or aren't really fighting. She didn't reply. She always does. So, I think I was right before. I think we are fighting yet again. We sent gifts with no reply. Eh. It's exhausting. I'm sure I did something wrong. 

I know I have to go. I know I have that list of things to do. There's always a list. Maybe some days I just need to stop and breathe for a day. Dustin mentioned something along the lines of we can't all take a nap during the day. It hurt. I won't lie. I already feel worthless so that was cool. The funny thing is, I wake up around 1:30am most days and I take no naps during the day. I have before I'll admit. My body needs rest. Sometimes my pain is so bad that I need to take a pain med and I pass out for a little bit. I'm sorry. I wish I wasn't like that. I wish I contributed to society. Sigh. I don't know how I used to do so much during the week or weekend when I worked. I wasn't in the amount of pain I'm in now but still.

It's funny, I came on here to complain and get angry and I'm just my usually sad self. Hating myself like others hate me. It's like I agree much more then I did before. When we stopped fostering, I really really felt like that was maybe something I was actually meant for and then it was gone for reasons I'd rather not talk about on here just in case. I love Dustin so much. I was blessed to have him. The few friends I have left, will have a special place in Heaven for sticking by me. I always miss them too. 

I miss a lot of things. Sometimes I just miss not crying but smiling the whole day. One whole day. I know it was before I lost Faith. Such a short time effecting me forever. My feelings from first being pregnant, to while I was pregnant, to when I lost her were all different. I actually felt that we were going to have this amazing gift. My health might have caused things with that too. Do you know how much I blame my body for the things I've lost?? A bunch of beautiful blessings taken away from me because of my body? I get so mad about it. I get so mad. So lonely. So.. everything. 

I listen very carefully to lyrics of songs, and sometimes I just want to say that finally someone else feels a little bit of what I feel.

Even today, I just want to hide in the closet just so I can STOP.