So

 To anyone who's listening:


UGHHHHHH I'm having a very hard time getting these past mistakes thoughts out of my head. I've asked for forgiveness and for God to take the thoughts away, but I can't tell if I'm the one bringing things back to the surface ..but I am haunted by them every single day. I just want to scream.

I just want to have nice weekends. Is that too much to ask? I'm getting tired of unhappiness those days. I have enough during the week. I just need a freaking break. Maybe I would feel better.. I have no idea.

I also constantly feel guilty for being on disability. This was never where I thought I would be in my life. I even looked into a part time job so I wouldn't look like I was "stealing from the government." (Insert different ways of saying that) but that was discouraged. Then some people either need to be more supportive or stop making me feel like even less.

I'm just getting angrier about it. Like really really angry. I don't like my face pushed into the mud about it. The amount of pain I'm in makes it hard to even shower, but I have to do SOMETHING or else I'll just be a waste or someone that gets to "nap during the day." 

I have made mistakes when I'm angry. I'll admit it. I've made some pretty big mistakes. If I'm being unsupportive then tell me because I'd rather know. I always feel so left in the dark about anything in different ways and by different people. "I feel so lost. So cut off. I feel so ugly." That's from part of a monologue I have to memorize and sometimes I want to throw the stupid thing across the room and other times it's reassuring. 

It's just a bad day. Guess I better do something while I'm in pain so I look somewhat worth something. I'm such a waste of space. If I make people happy, then why do I feel so sad about it? Sometimes it just doesn't add up.

Well, I'm in too much pain. I have to at least lay down a little (sorry!!) before I hurt myself more so I'm not stealing from the government or whatever. I should probably suck up the pain instead then in some way. This way I'll feel like I contribute to society. Although it's not to society. I seem like I upset people, so apparently I REALLY don't contribute. Awesome.

I would get back into the actual church if I could totally trust Christians again, but I don't unfortunately. I love worship and the service, but I'm not sure about everything else. 

When am I worth it in any aspect? Like seriously. I really don't get it. This is all my fault too, I'm sure. Ok, I'll go rest with endlessly bad thoughts (not nap), get up and hurt myself, and then feel like crap. Cool? cool.


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