Hard to say I'm sorry?

 To anyone who's listening:

My hands are so shaky that it's hard to type now. Awesome. My foster Mom is a nutritionist I guess you can say. She wants to help me with like a special diet and basic vitamins to hopefully help neurologically for my shaky hands and for my problems sleeping. My husband said I should see a specialist for my shaky hands. He's right. Just add it to the list of doctors. I want him to get a different job, so I don't want to keep adding physicians either.

Anyway, the point of this specific post was over something that has been bothering me A LOT. As you know, if you been reading my past blogs, is that I say sorry too much or usually I feel isn't enough. I have to remember that apologizes are deserved too! I had a "falling out" recently with a friend who accused me of lying (I showed her proof that I wasn't) and also hit me with the low blow of this is why I lose friends. Later I realized, here I am begging for her forgiveness when she accused me of lying!! Then she had the nerve to hit me where it hurts when it didn't even pertain to anything from my past nor should I lose her because of that. I apologized to her repeatedly and she said she is willing to continue with caution. Later I thought, that's garbage! She was the one who questioned a friend's honesty that I had to go and show her that I wasn't and she didn't apologize for that and then she took advantage of somewhere that hurts. Let's just say that I finally ended that relationship. It's been someone I've known I should get rid of for years, but I always felt bad and didn't. I really have to learn to stand up for myself which leads to the point of this writing..

Deserving apologizes, being humble, stop being self righteous

I don't know this, seeing as I am the opposite (pretty much) because I always feel horribly bad, but someone did some major damage in our lives and I'm getting more and more angry about it. I know anger is not of God, so I'm working on that. However, I see no reason to not receive an apology.

There is someone very specific I am talking about. Someone I know who has always seemed closed to God and patient and kind, when in reality I question more and more if they are. I think people who can't say THEY are sorry for what THEY did are self righteous have never said "I'm sorry I did.." instead I've heard "I'm sorry they said I said.." I have confronted them and said if you believe someone is telling me lies about something you said, go talk to them, and talk to me afterwards. Did that ever happen? NOPE. That just proves that you are worse and are to blame. I have asked this person, because honestly due to that I keep my prayer requests very simple and have tested them only to hear lies repeated, to honor someone's wishes when it came to not praying for something specific. Other people honored that with no issue. This person was disrespectful and basically said too bad. When confronted with that, they hid, brought up something that had nothing to do with the request. When I asked for a conversation, they said nothing and ran away again. Again, proving the word "humble" isn't part of their vocabulary. Instead basically saying that things have gotten out of hand, ect. YOU are the one who did it! YOU! If you took some responsibility for something bad you may have done, forgiveness might be possible but passing the buck and blaming others, possibly myself even though I was being calm on my end, do you have any idea how much that could do to help with situations?? I have to pray for YOU and rebuke any prayer you've prayed for us. Do you realize the damage you caused spiritually as well?? For someone who is so close to God, you would know that what you're doing in all of these topics are not things God would be ok with. Ruining relationships, being self righteous, passing the fault on someone else, ruining relationships with God (you do NOT mess with that!!!). If you just took responsibility... Sometimes people need to say THEY are sorry because they did wrong. Not I'm sorry they told you about my lie so I'll pray for them. What?! The heartache you caused so many people?!?! Wondering why this is happening, this has never been an issue before, is because YOU lied. You told personal or false things to someone about other people including about myself. Maybe instead of praying for the people you "think" are wrong, you need to pray for yourself. The damage you caused because you couldn't be humble, is much bigger then you even know. I am a very forgiving person but the thing is, sometimes I need an apology in order to do it. I learned a lesson in my early 20s the whole "I'm sorry you feel that way" thing. That is a secret and very misleading. It sounds like an apology, but it's not. People who do that hurt me too.

I am not at all saying I'm perfect or 100% right, but see that's the thing. Sometimes everyone has to remember that they aren't 100% right. I've done what I was supposed to do, but most definitely didn't say enough. You hurt someone or others that I love, you hurt my heart 100 times more. 

Your personality should not break someone's spirits and hearing that.... I don't have enough words to say but...... they aren't good.

Learn to say sorry correctly. Learn to be humble. Learn to pray correctly. 

You might finally see the damage that was all caused and guess what, it's YOUR fault. 

Again, I am NOT perfect. I'm working on myself. I say the wrong things, do the wrong things, have done and said the wrong things in the past, I am suffering for them. I wish I could take things back. I wish I could change things. It's not 100% only me though. It's not. Sometimes people see my weakness against me, to look good, or to win a case. They should be ashamed too. Ya, know? 

I really regret what I do to my husband. I try to change but then I screw up. It doesn't mean I should give up, it means I should try harder. You know what I want this year....if I could pick only one thing to accomplish which is what I asked my friend is... happiness. I'm not giving my husband enough when he does so much. I complain instead of encourage. I'm thinking negative instead of reaching for the positive. I can only do my 50% but I have to do it BETTER. I was reading old emails from someone close in my life, not on purpose, I was looking for an an answer to something. What I read.. it made me remember what a crappy person I am. 

It breaks my heart that I'm breaking him. What do I do now?

I know I have to go to the doctor right now, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. 

Happiness and humbleness