Debbie's Blog Babble

To anyone listening, I feel a real sense of pain for the baby we might adopt.  I am still feeling held back because of money but also because some people aren't as excited as they were when I was pregnant.  It's like a disappointment for some people that we are thinking of taking this path. I am already feeling a protective feeling for the baby.  Like I don't want them exposed to people that might think that way.  Maybe it's the passing on of genes or babies that look like us and they feel a sadness that it won't be that way to certain people that bother them, but a child is in need.  If we can love them and give them a home, it is something we want to do.  Is it scary?  Absolutely.  It's very scary to have a child whether biological or not.  I know once we start the process, there is no turning back and that can be scary too. I was on the phone with the agency today and had so many questions and we barely started.  We were accepted ...

To anyone listening, There is a 10 minute scene project that my old director would like me to do.  It is supposed to be casual so even if I have to look at my script, he says it's ok.  Well, there was some issues with it and my partner *rolling eyes* but he may have found me a new partner.  My dear friend Kevin wrote the whole play but I honestly don't know if I can do it the justice it deserves. It has a lot of highs and lows and is a powerful scene... thoughts?: SARAH: Hi. GREG: Hi. SARAH: Your father kept you late again? GREG: Yes. This case is forcing us to pull some really long hours. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t killing me.   How is he? SARAH: Just put him down. Want some wine? I opened a bottle. GREG: Yes, please. SARAH: I have some spaghetti in the fridge. I’ll reheat some. GREG: Nah, they fed us at the office. (pause) SARAH: You could’ve called then. GREG: I know, I’m sorry.   It’s just this case is really brutal.  ...

To anyone listening, I try and clean something everyday.  Sometimes I would rather be working then home all day especially cleaning.  I used to love it but now I hate it.  Plus, I take pain meds before I do but then I'm in so much pain after I do it that I need more pain meds.  It's a vicious circle but I feel bad being at home and not doing anything.  If I stop for a minute, my mind wanders to my old job or my job at MAC cosmetics and it is always either guilt for leaving or mistakes I made with handling certain situations.  Does anyone else go through that? Anyway, there is this show I used to watch called At First Sight where people would get married before they even met.  A couple of couples seemed to have made it.  One woman posted on FB yesterday.  I RARELY read her stuff.  Heck, I'm bad at reading news feeds in general. Note to friends: If I missed something major you posted, it isn't on purpose.. I just don't read the feed so...

To anyone listening, I think there is something great about meeting new friends.  They don't judge you based on what you used to weigh and what you weigh now.  It's a fresh start and you have about a billion questions about each other.  You find someone who has an amazing heart that makes you wonder why it took so long to finally meet.  It was all about timing which is something so amazing. I am afraid to go out right now.  I don't like making excuses.  The truth is I only want to go out right now if I'm forced to.  I hate how I look only because I think people will judge it.  This new friend is going through something and she says to me that she would love to see me but the truth is basically she will only go out if she is forced to right now because of where she is in life right now and I really admired that about her.  It is the truth and if people can't accept that then it's like what kind of friend are they really. I was gathering ...

To anyone listening, Why do I care so much if people don't understand the current position Dustin and I are in. In our life, financially, with babies, with my depression, with my acting...  I feel like I'm always being judged and watched. I was going to do a scene with a guy from the show who isn't my favorite guy but seemed to be the only one available and I ended up not being able to make it because I have some other health stuff going on. I told him before any plans started or anything and he just isn't answering me.  All I hear is that he is judging me.  He might not be but it bothers me.  For all I know, he is still going to do it just with someone else.  I am feeling a little overwhelmed lately.  I am supposed to see a new therapist tomorrow but we had a change with insurance so I'm not sure I will be able to in time. I had a horrible breakdown at the psychiatrist for no real reason.  I just couldn't stop crying and leaving the house made m...

To anyone listening, I hope everyone had a nice New Year's Eve and day.  I know resolutions are on the brain whether I say them out loud or not.  I hope to get disability this year so I can focus on my health and not stress so much.  If not, I hope to find a job that doesn't require sitting or standing for more than 20 mins.  Oh boy... I would love to travel and get a different car.  Used or new I don't care too much just not very old in general and it has to be good in the snow.  I would love to adopt this year. I think about losing weight all the time but it is so hard to find motivation with depression.  I just know I need to get out of the house more or this depression will get worse. I am seeing a new therapist next week who specializes in loss and also with miscarriages. During the procedure, I woke up and heard them suck out the baby.  I think that alone has caused me some restless nights and sad days.  Everyone goes through ...