Debbie's Blog Babble

To anyone listening, "Well, it seems to me that the best relationships-the ones that last-are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship.  You know, one day you look at a person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere.  And the person who was just a friend is..suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with." When Dustin and I decided to be more than friends, I was scared.  I only knew Dustin as some tall guy in school.  I would go into detail about how that all worked out, how we were engaged in 5 weeks, and how I am more in love with him now than I was the day I said "I do" but trust me, that was nothing compared to the love we have now. I still do everyday, every moment of everyday.  Even on our worst days, I can't imagine my life without him.  He accepts me as myself.  He is the only one that actually knows the different sides of me, the things I talk about, my hopes ...

To anyone listening, "All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me...You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you." As I mentioned before, I am sent an inspirational quote of the day.  This was today's quote.  I decided that most quotes I can relate to someway in my life and maybe others can too. I noticed how many views my therapy blog had.  I just want to say that I hope I didn't offend anyone.  I was having a bad day and there was a specific situation that was causing me to be upset.  Dustin takes it as rude when anyone recommends therapy which I can understand why he thinks that.  I think it is ok to say it in certain circumstances but I also don't think it needs to be said if I just say I don't like peas and someone says I need therapy. All that to say, I didn't mean to start anything with anyone.  In some ways, I feel like I should ...

To anyone listening, I find it is getting harder to keep my brain occupied.  The only thing that seems to keep my brain occupied are bills, health problems, and well, that's pretty much it. I love my friends.  I'm not sure how I would have come along this way without them.  I love my family too who have been more than supportive and caring throughout this whole process.  It's been 2 months today but it feels like two weeks ago.  UGH!  How do I get my brain to stop thinking about what if?  What if I were pregnant right now?  How would the shower have gone?  Would I have seen all my friends as they touched my baby belly with a little one moving inside?  Would it look like me?  Would it look like Dustin?  Would it look like a relative from 2 generations ago? I can't sleep.  I lay on the pillow sometimes for hours with either my last job running through my head, money, what I did or said wrong that day, my h...

To anyone listening, I am sorry for the delay from my last blog.  I needed some time to deal with things going on. My cat Toonces has been at the vet since yesterday morning.  He is having some issues and that is costing us a lot of money but he is our family.  His medical bills are creeping closer to my total everyday. Anyway, I did get to spend some much needed time with my friend Maria.  We went to the Cheesecake Factory and were able to talk for a few hours.  When I looked at the clock, I didn't realize how much time had passed but that's what it is like with friends.  One of my favorite things about Maria is her heart.  She really loves the people in her life.  She doesn't have a million people she calls friends just to look cool or to have a high number on Facebook.  Maria actually keeps her friends and family close to her. Her wedding is next year and it got me thinking of all the ups and downs we had been through and of all the ...

To anyone listening, I don't know why I got so heated thinking about this but it needs to be said.  I have gone to therapy at a young age and can practically tell you why I feel everything I feel dating back to birth and the rest, well I'm on bipolar meds for the rest.  I'm not embarrassed for saying it either.  I'm actually proud that I took the steps to want to cure myself.. my mood swings.. and my family issues. That being said, why is it that everyone is so quick to say I need therapy when I am verbal about an issue?  Is it a person that needs therapy or the one that holds everything in that needs it too?  I would rather be open and honest about my feelings to a healthy degree then to be in a silent denial and act like everything is fine or hide behind technology like an email.  I just don't understand that.  Honestly I understand my behavior more than that behavior.  I think it is harder to be honest and open about your feelings and weake...

To anyone listening, I've been trying to make small changes just to keep my mind busy and fresh.  I tried changing my hair and the red highlights were barely seen.  I just repainted the guest bathroom upstairs.  It is black and white and will have Marilyn Monroe pictures and rhinestones.  I just wish I could push myself to change other things.  I start cleaning the counter and cry. Yesterday a friend of mine had a baby and posted pictures on Facebook.  I actually thought I was happy for her and then thought about how close we were in our due dates so we would talk a lot about pregnancy and now she gets to go home with a baby.  Another friend of mine took the time to write me a sweet message about it.  She said she saw the post and thought of me.  She knew I would be happy for her but sad in my own way and wanted to see how I was.  It's funny how people you aren't close to care so much.  It says a lot.  I thought it was extr...

To anyone listening, Everyday I get an inspiration quote sent to me.  Today's was "A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow." Yesterday Dustin and I had the honor of seeing a long time friend of mine and a new friend to Dustin, Pastor Kris.  There were things I know Dustin really liked about him and I wondered how different his life would have been had he had him as a youth pastor.  I had the fortune to have Kris as my youth pastor.  At one point he asked the inevitable question about how we were doing after the baby.  I remember thinking... I want you to pray for me, I want to be with you all again right now, I want a hug from Rachael and your adorable kids and how lucky he was to have all that.  I thought maybe just praying on my own instead of at a church caused this to happen even though I don't believe that to be true.  I believe God is still ...

To anyone listening, I have always been drawn to people from the past.  I thought for a long time that I was meant to be one of those old time movie stars.  The movie stars with the fur and diamonds.  I wanted to be one of the people that everyone looked at and wanted to know.  When I die, no one will want to read an autobiography of some random woman's life.  I wanted to be someone everyone wondered about.  When I was little, I would wish and wish I was just a little girl that was actually a princess having a bad nightmare and I would wake up in a gorgeous bed, beautiful, and with loving parents.  I must have wished that wish a thousand times in the mirror before bed. Is it up to me to be an actress? Yes.  Do I have a huge fear of being judged? Yes.  I always wanted to be Marilyn Monroe.  It wasn't just because she was known as the most beautiful women.  Actually she was called straw head at times.  What I loved about her ...

To anyone listening, I will be straight up. I am one of the pickiest eaters you will ever know.  If I didn't like sweets and carbs, I would weight like 100lbs. Here is a small list of things I don't like: Tomato (including chunks of tomato in sauce GROSS) Any peppers black pepper salt or salty stuff butter on top of things spices of any kind well minus cinnamon MAYO or mayonnaise Red meat except plain hamburgers with very very small patties on occasion BACON meatloaf pork chops coconut steak anything fried except french fries nothing blackened dessert foods like cake with fruit in them toppings on pizza. period. just cheese easy sauce mustard soy sauce egg salad tuna salad sardines salad dressing actually almost anything on a salad tuna sandwich cheese whiz actually any liquid cheese nachos mushrooms onions garlic but sometimes garlic bread is an exception BBQ sauce sea salt vinegar chips doritos cheese puffs or cheese balls any hot dog e...

To anyone listening, This one will be short.  I have been feeling so down lately.  I mean doowwwnn.  Yesterday we got a message from Pastor Kris that he and his son Levi will be nearby this weekend and would like to see us.  God had a hand in that!  Although I will miss the girls and I might be the 4th wheel lol (hello, girl in the group!) I think it will be very good for me to see them.  I'm so excited.  It is like a breath of fresh air coming through.  Dustin and I were already coming up with things we might be able to do with them depending on their schedule of course.  Even 20 minutes would be nice.  I am thankful to have an understanding friend who is going to reschedule our plans on Saturday.  She understands how often I get to see them.  Let's say the old phrase... once in a blue moon.  I'm so happy. Ok, that's it for today.  Short and sweet :)

To anyone listening, I have friends of all kinds.  They have different beliefs and different personalities all of which I love.  I like how people can be totally different.  I've had an obsession with autobiographies because I find it so interesting to hear about where people came from and where they went in life.  No two people are the same even if they grew up in the same home.  My siblings and I are very different but then the next second all 3 of us will have the exact same cell phone.  It's so strange how that happens. My siblings, although not speaking to each other, are very important to me.  We have been through a lot together and it's like our little secret.  No words can ever describe the details of what we went through and I can't speak for them but only myself. I love my siblings in good and bad times.  We might not always like each other but I will always be there for them in the hard times.  No matter what.  Dustin d...

To anyone listening, Dieting sucks.  I don't like to say it's a way of life.  It's a diet and it sucks.  I lost 50lbs about 3 years ago or so and the only thing I liked about it was that I had a better selection of clothes.  Man I miss those clothes. After a lot of stress in the last several years, I noticed I was eating and drinking more often.  I was embarrassed by my actions and pretty much quit the drinking stuff except one once in a while and the eating.. well, it's more difficult than ever now. My blood is normal.  Actually my blood comes back better when I'm not dieting.  That is super weird.  After my surgery last year, it became hard to even wear jeans without pain.  I am still wearing yoga pants.  I am not always cleared to exercise and can barely move at times from the pain.  So now not only am I not really able to exercise, I can eat.  I eat and not move.  Guess who gained weight? I don't even think too...

To anyone listening, Buy Buy Baby... Thank you so much for calling and reminding me that I had a registry on file marked private and that my shower date was coming up so I should make it public.  I was supposed to have my shower on July 15th (thank God my friend Maria agreed to hang out with me that day). After I had the miscarriage, we removed all our registries and returned gifts.  Buy Buy Baby however did not let us delete the registry but said we can only make it private.  After my phone call today reminding me of my shower, I had returned the call to ask again if I can delete the registry.  I talked to the first woman and explained that I would like to delete our registry but my husband was told it could only be marked private.  I had a miscarriage and would like it removed if possible.  She said with an attitude "Oh, (sigh) hold on while I transfer you."  Hold on while you transfer me?!?  How about saying I'm sorry..let me get your inf...

To anyone listening, I went to the OBGYN yesterday for my checkup post miscarriage.  I have seen a doctor of some kind every two weeks at least and I have two more in the next couple weeks.  Sigh. Anyway, I came in yesterday and they had me down as a prenatal visit.  I sit there watching pregnant woman after pregnant woman come in and then have to deal with that confusion for about 30 minutes.  Hey, I will take a pregnancy test right now and prove I am not pregnant.  In the words in the movie Wedding Singer: Guy "I heard about your wedding. That was so harsh" (phrasing plus Adam Sandler's finance left him at the alter) Adam: "My parents died when I was 5, do you want to talk about that?" Guy "Why would we want to talk about that?" Adam: "I have no idea" That's how it felt.  Oh I'm still not pregnant would you also like to talk about how my parents are dead?  Why would we want to talk about that?  I have no idea. It was...

To anyone listening, I grew up in a home with no mom and an abusive father.  We spent a little bit of time in foster homes.  One of the foster homes would hit us and I remember specifically being forced to eat duck and I threw up and was forced to eat that too. I remember at that moment wanting to adopt.  I so desperately wanted to help kids.  I didn't understand how people like that could be foster parents.  Thankfully they had their license taken away.  Even during that time, I briefly considered being a foster parent until my next foster home... I ended up being taken away from that foster home.  I remember sitting on their couch quietly holding a melting cup of ice cream they had given me.  My head was down and I was shaking.  I didn't know what to expect. They ended up being the greatest thing that happened to me as a child.  To this day, I still miss them.  They read books to me.  Their older daughter let me play ...

To anyone listening, Today is one of the days where I don't want to get out of bed.  I see a huge list of things that need to be done around the house and usually I like to do it but right now I can't find the strength inside of me to get up and say "let's clean up!"  I'm not sure where that feeling has gone but now all I feel is a lazy, useless piece of nothing. I want to get up.  I even try and I do a few things but then just want to crawl immediately back under the covers.  Does it get any easier?  I'm sure at some point.  It's been a month and in my head I think I should be getting over this and moving on.  At least I should be moving on to a normal life.  I am so overweight and sometimes I care and other times I really don't. I applied for disability back on October.  I am still fighting for it.  I have been in extreme amounts of pain since my surgery last year and on top of that, struggle from lots of mental illnesses as well...

To anyone listening, I went out yesterday with no makeup and dragging my feet to go see something I love.. fireworks.  Dustin wasn't even totally wanting to go but it was one of those "once you get out you will have fun" type of times. We got there a little early and walked around.  I saw families everywhere.  Little kids were running around and spinning with their dads and dancing and being goofy.  Some kids were in cute little 4th of July outfits and some were in pajamas.  Every time I took a second, I looked at the kids and there would always be one smiling or waving at me. About 2 hours in, there was this little boy around 12 months old who I just kept making funny faces with and he would smile and hide.  He would wave back at me and I would do the same.  It took everything inside of me not to cry.  I would have been pretty pregnant by now and it hurts that I won't have that for the next 4th of July.  I miss it all so much.  I ...